This...IS...FARTICUS!!!!

In which Donald J. Diaperstain whines at considerable length about being treated worse than any human being. EVER. Ah, STFU, Donny....

(Just a quick note to thank my readers. I’m not sure how or why this is happening, but readership here at NS&CB has doubled over the past 30 days, and the number of unpaid subscribers has come close to doubling. It’s a nice feeling to know I’m finally beginning to reach my people—an overnight sensation three years in the making. It’s far too early to know where this is going, but my goal is to make Substack my bitch. Stay tuned; we’ll see how that goes.

Nothing will change for now, but in a month, or two, or three, perhaps I’ll begin to reconsider adding some paid content. No one’s ever going to mistake me for Heather Cox Richardson , but as long as I’m having fun, I’ll keep on keeping on. Thanks for your support!!)

Man, it’s gotta be tough, sitting for six to eight hours a day, trying to stay awake, unable to change your adult diapers and escape your own stench. You can’t post on your favorite alt-Reich social media site, Truth Social. You can’t call Judge Juan Merchan a Nazi or post pictures of the judge’s daughter in flagrante delicto with Michael Cohen at a Yankees game. You can’t even say nasty things about the judge’s wife and her predilection for Romanian midget porn, ferchrissakes.

What kind of post-Communist hellhole has this country become? Where’s the freedumb? Why can’t a man express himself according to his 1st Amendment rights?

With Lord Stumblefuck being on trial for (allegedly—winkwinknudgenudge) paying off a porn star to remain quiet about the shitty sex they had, he can’t engage in his favorite form of freedumbish discourse- witness intimidation. What’s a serial sexual offender and rapist who’s facing 88 felony charges supposed to do for entertainment and relief? Sure, the guy’s—what, 78?—but a man has needs, knowhutimean?

At least Jeff Tiedrich is trying to show sympathy to a senior citizen with memory issues.

oh, the indignity — no one has ever been treated as disrespectfully as Lord Buttstench has.

he’s confined to a courtroom all day long. it’s so boring! he has to sit and listen to disloyal former flunkies say mean things about him. he can’t even shout back! he can’t get up and wander around. there’s no TV tuned to Newsmax for him to watch. there’s no one to change his diaper, or bring him a can of Diet Coke. and that son of a bitch Judge Merchan won’t stop telling him what do to.

it’s so unfair!

“[L]listen to disloyal flunkies say mean things about him….”

Ah, poor widdle snowfwake. Now the mad king who turned asshole into a verb has been forced to sit idly (and, worse, mutely) as those who used to work for him are hoping to asshole him into a prison sentence.

I wish I cared enough about the trial to watch some of it. I’ve always believed there are three things whose creation you don’t want to witness—legislation, sausage, and the legal process. All three will leave you nauseous and dizzy to the nth degree. I can’t imagine sitting through more than 10 minutes of Lord Stumblefuck’s trial.

Only lawyers could love that shit. It’s the most effective legal sleep aid available without a prescription.

Trump, of course, figures that as long as he has to be there, he should be able to turn the Manhattan courtroom into a three-ring circus, which Judge Merchan wants no part of. And so Trump sits quietly at the defense counsel’s table. The look on his face each day is priceless. He can’t do what he wants, so he looks like a recalcitrant child forced to sit on his hands.

A hyperactive kindergartener with late-stage ADHD handles enforced inactivity better than Agolf Shitler is coping with sitting at the defense table.

Your honor, we request a ten-minute break so the defendant can score some Adderall.

Now, if they could only make him wear one of those “Silence of the Lambs” ball-gag masks, right? And maybe a leather codpiece? That would be EPIC!!!!

Yes, one of the laziest campaigners in memory complains because he can’t engage in his lazy method of selling himself to voters who already adore him. It’s not like he overextends himself; he literally flies into an airport, gives a speech in or near a hangar, and then flies out, never having left the airport or seen anything of the city.

Hey, when you’ve seen Mar-a-Lago, what else is there to experience??

Of course, at least when he’s “campaigning,” he can delude himself into believing he’s in control of events, but the reality is that, at least for the moment, his life and schedule are in the hands of Judge Merchan.

When he’s in court, the poor, demented Alterkocker has entirely too much blood in his caffeine levels:

I’m not gonna wake him up…YOU wake him up!!!

Fuck you…you’re the lawyer; YOU wake him up!!!

Not even the toothpicks-prying-your-eyes-open trick is working:

in fact, Donny Demento has been dozing so soundly that his ace team of parking garage lawyers has had to resort to gimmicks to try to keep him awake — and none of it is working.

they’ve tried a number of different devices to keep Trump awake — partially in response to collective press corps observations. for example, when there are sidebars, an attorney doesn’t leave his side any more, because leaving him alone means leaving him to potentially sleep. he has a stack of papers with him at all times now, to go through. neither of those things seem to have protected Trump from his own exhaustion today. more than not, when I looked up to see how Trump was receiving the testimony, Trump was not receiving it at all, because his eyes were closed.

ORANGE JULIUS IS DOWN!! I REPEAT, ORANGE JULIUS IS DOWN!! ACTIVATE DEFCON 4 PROTOCOLS IMMEDIATELY!!! LOCATE WHITE JESUS AND IMPLEMENT CRITICAL REPLACEMENT PROCEDURE STAT!!! REPEAT, LOCATE WHITE JESUS AND IMPLEMENT CRITICAL REPLACEMENT PROCEDURE ONCE HE HAS BEEN LOCATED AND SECURED!!!

BALL GAG, DO YOU COPY??

To stimulate their client and hopefully keep Lord Stumblefuck awake long enough to get him through the day, someone came up with this brilliant idea:

awww, how cute it is that unmanageable baby Trump is given a pile of papers to pretend to look at.

speaking of prop stacks of paper, did you know that Donny has a flunky on the payroll whose job is to carry around a portable printer and show Trump “good news”? I shit you not.

This week, as the Stormy Daniels hush money trial kicked off, New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman noted the presence of a figure in court whose job responsibility sounded like a joke, writing that her job was to carry around a “wireless printer” to provide the former president with an “ongoing stream of good news from the internet.”

But it turns out that the aide is very real. Her name is Natalie Harp, a former One America News anchor who joined Trump’s communications team in March 2022. According to reporting that year by the Washington Post, Harp would even accompany the former reality TV host on golf trips in a cart “equipped with a laptop and sometimes a printer to show him uplifting news articles, online posts, or other materials.”

Since when does Agolf Shitler read anything more complex than a Captain America comic book?

How devoid of personal pride must one be to take a job as Lord Stumblefuck’s “Personal Good News Fairy,” and what do you do if you’re in a wi-fi “dead zone?”

Worse, how thoroughly and utterly psychologically broken must a person be to require that kind of psychic massage service?

it calls to mind that doofus at the White House they called “the Music Man.”

an unnamed White House official nicknamed the “Music Man” was tapped to play the president his favorite show tunes to stop him when he was about to throw a tantrum.

Those tunes included “Memory” from the musical “Cats,” Grisham writes, per The Times. Although the former press secretary didn’t name the official, Politico reported in July that it was White House aide Max Miller, who is Grisham’s ex-boyfriend.

I have an idea — why don’t they just get Donny one of those toddler activity boards. they can lay it on the defense table, right in front of him.

You mean like one of these, though I’d have to think that anything that would entertain Donald Trump would have to be far less complex, don’tchathink? I’m thinking square pegs, round holes, that sort of thing.

Person…camera…woman…TV…buttplug….

Yeah, he's a real stable genius, ain’t he? Remind me again why he’s leading in many polls—oh, yeah, because half of the American electorate are fucking moronic gasbags unable to think critically. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Wir sind SEHR gefickt….

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