Today's Dispatch From The Republic Of Meth...Er, Alaska
Jesus loves you, and he wants to be your next Senator
Yeah, I know. You’ve heard it from me a million and one times. So, once again, to ensure that people don’t get the wrong idea about me, here’s the mandatory religion disclaimer once again:
So Let It Be Written: Nothing written in this space shall be construed as anti-religion in any shape, manner, or form. The author’s opinion is that the world’s problems are NOT caused by Christianity or any other faith tradition. Religion is ruined by the small-minded, dogmatic pinheads who attempt to force their intolerant, fear-based doctrine on those who don’t share their beliefs. The author firmly believes the world would be a far better place if the religious minded their own damned business.
OK, now that we’ve got the legal niceties out of the way, allow me to introduce you to Kelly Tshibaka, a thoroughly inconsequential Alaskan, save for her belief that she can unseat incumbent GOP senator Lisa Murkowski. And that God sent her to kick ass and take names. Or, as she so eloquently put it, “to harvest the field of government.” I’ll leave it to my gentle reader to ferret out any sinister meaning inherent in that phrasing.
Is Tshibaka just another member of the American Taliban who believes that the heads of nonbelievers should be displayed on pikes outside the White House once the righteous take power? Duh…ya think??
“Do you know who created government?” Tshibaka asked rhetorically. “Here it is: Genesis 1:28. You got to know your Bible. It’s a story. If you read it the way I read it, it’s the best book ever. ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the Earth.’”
You think you know where she’s going with this, right?
Au contraire, mon ami….
“‘Subdue’ and ‘rule’ are government words,” she added. “What are we ruling and subduing over? The fish, the birds, and every living thing. Guys, in government, what department is that? God created the Department of Fish and Wildlife Services! I didn’t make it up! It’s right there!”
That’s right, the separation of Church and State is SO against God’s laws!! But if God created the Department of Fish and Wildlife Services, you’d think He/She could come up with a better color palette for their uniforms, right? Is God colorblind…or does He/She have no fashion sense?
Tshibaka went on to say that Christians are failing God if they’re not endeavoring to influence government actively. The separation of Church and State is an artificial construct created by godless, sin-riddled Liberals to justify their evil usurpation of government.
The Founding Fathers never meant for the separation of Church and State to be authentic. After all, that phrase never appears anywhere in the Constitution- which, strictly speaking, IS true. Then again, neither is “kick ass and take names,” but you can bet Tshibaka is planning to do exactly that.
Hmm…then the Treaty of Tripoli and Jefferson’s Letter to the Danbury Baptists were just so much mental masturbation? Because each document declares that American governance is in no way based on the Christian religion.
But why let stubborn things like facts get in the way of a good attempt to overthrow a democratically-elected non-theistic government?
Of course, I believe it was President Theodore Roosevelt who established the Fish and Wildlife Service, and he was definitely not God. But, never let the facts get in the way of a perfectly serviceable righteous rant, amiright?? Because you can prove ANYTHING if you find the right Bible verses.
Isaiah 9:6: "Unto us a child will be born, unto us a son will be given,” and what? "The government will rest on his shoulders.” Well, guys, again, where is God today? Is he in Jerusalem? In a temple? Where are his shoulders? His shoulders are your shoulders. So, if the government rests on his shoulders and we are not in government, helping government, influencing government, if we abdicate government and politics, are we living out Genesis 1 and Isaiah 9? No. So, we’ve got to put this into practice.
Tshibaka is an unknown quantity outside of Alaska, so we don’t yet know if she’s an intellectual and moral lightweight in the mold of Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert. But, if she gets elected along with Georgia’s Herschel Walker, they and Alabama’s Tommy Tuberville will easily be America’s Dumbest Senators.
There’s a long way between now and Election Day, and Murkowski stands a good chance of getting reelected. Alaska has ranked-choice voting, which means that enough Alaskans may in the end be thoroughly confused enough to return Murkowski to the Senate. At least observers know what to expect from Murkowski, though. She has an established track record as a moderate Republican.
Kelly Tshibaka might as well be the equivalent of rolling a grenade under a Cadillac with a full gas tank. You know things will blow up; you just don’t know where the pieces will land.
Unsurprisingly, Tshibaka’s theology tends toward the “Kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out” school of Christianity.
Tshibaka is your typical right-wing theocrat who sees religion as a blunt instrument. She skipped any Bible passages that reference compassion or love for one’s neighbor, even if they’re LGBTQ.
‘Cuz if there’s one thing today’s Christians excel at, it’s cherry-picking…and I’m not talking about the fruit. Besides, things like “compassion” and “love for one’s neighbor” is SO Sunday School. Sure, Jesus Christ may have taught those things, but you can’t use them to convince angry White Christians to vote for you. All those folks care about is that you hate the same folks they do.
And, like most of the American Taliban, Tshibaka is no fan of democracy. One man, one vote is for losers and Liberals.
On the contrary, she’s a huge supporter of the “Big Lie” and has won Donald Trump’s endorsement. But, of course, that has NOTHING to do with Sen. Murkowski voting to impeach Trump at his second impeachment trial. Mango Mussolini would never nurse a grudge against a public servant.
Would he??
It’s hard to believe that Alaskans would elect Kelly Tshibaka as their Senator. Still, they did elect Sarah Palin as Governor once upon a time, so you’ll never go broke underestimating Republican voters, right?
Oh, and let’s not forget that Caribou Barbie is running for the frozen tundra’s lone seat in the House.
It’s been said, frequently by me, that you get exactly the quality of leadership you deserve. I never cease to marvel at Alaskans' exceedingly low standards for their elected representatives. If they propped the frozen carcass of Don Young, he’d probably get reelected, and his voting record in Congress might improve.
Sarah Palin as a Congresswoman? Move over MTG and Lauren Boebert, eh? Y’all are going to have some company in the GOP’s Dumbass Caucus. If nothing else, the comedy relief value should be through the roof 24/7/365.
I don’t know who the Alaska Democratic Party is running against Palin, or for that matter, against Tshibaka or Murkowski- and it probably doesn’t matter. Most Alaskans think of Democrats in the same way they ponder jock itch, and they’d vote for a McFlurry if it had an “R” behind its name.
With the current Supreme Court bearing the blueprints for the creation of Gilead, America may well be on the way to the dissolution of the wall separating Church and State. And it may be people like Kelly Tshibaka, MTG, and Lauren Boebert chipping away at that wall as reinforcements join them in Congress.
We should remember that great empires don’t fall with sweeping sledgehammer blows. Instead, they’re nibbled away patiently with rubber mallets until the foundation can no longer support the existing order. Then the system crumbles and what comes next is anyone’s guess.
One thing seems inevitable; whatever comes next almost certainly won’t resemble our democracy but rather an autocracy with limited freedoms and greater oppression.
When will that happen? Who knows, but the warning signs are all around us. Eventually, America will no longer be the world’s most powerful and influential nation. That’s the cyclical nature of history. We could end up like England or an idiocracy ruled by half-wits and greed-besotted autocrats.
But when Kelly Tshibaka says that God is sending her into government to “rule” and “subdue,” you can bet there will be many more like her, especially if she wins in November. And many will be more intelligent, craftier, and more cunning than she is.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
