Trump/JFK, Jr.'s Reanimated Corpse 2024: Make America Undead Again

It makes as much sense as anything else

JFK, Jr. and Keith Richards: Separated at birth? (Globe Photos/MediaPunch//IPx/AP; Barry Brecheisen/Invision/AP)

After JFK Jr. failed to materialize in Dallas on Tuesday, Nov. 2, per the abstruse predictions of a numerology-obsessed QAnon sect, some of the followers of the theory have surmised that Keith Richards is, in fact, JFK Jr. in disguise. Oh, also Michael Jackson is impersonating Mick Jagger. 

If this sounds completely unhinged, that’s because it is. This latest twist in the labyrinthian belief system comes after dozens of JFK Jr. truthers — who waited for hours at Dealey Plaza for the Camelot scion to appear — went on to attend that night’s Rolling Stones concert at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. Handfuls of JFK Jr. truthers wearing Tiffany Blue bandanas were spread throughout the audience but were otherwise swallowed up by the crowded arena.

When I first heard about the mob waiting at Dealey Plaza for JFK, Jr. to make an appearance and announce that he was going to be Donald Trump’s running mate in 2024, an obvious question struck me:

Uh, yeah… isn’t he, um, dead??

Having died on July 16, 1999, how was JFK, Jr., going to magically reappear from the dead and be Mango Mussolini’s VP?

And how did a sizable crowd sincerely believe that someone dead for more than 22 years was going to come back from the dead, cross party lines (the Kennedy clan are Democrats), and link arms with the Worst President EVER?

And if you’re one of those unfortunately positive sorts who believe that most Americans AREN’T firmly in the grip of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, well….

[M]ultiple attendees at the Dealey Plaza gathering described their beliefs that various dead celebrities were secretly alive, either in a form of witness protection or living out their lives in sophisticated disguises. “Mike Lindell is actually JFK Jr. in a mask,” said a man named Greg, who said he was a military veteran. “They’re extremely sophisticated.” 

This isn’t the first time QAnon affiliated JFK Jr. truthers have shifted the goalposts. In 2019, they predicted JFK Jr. would return on July 4. That didn’t happen. 

Yes, Virginia, QAnon never really went away after January 6. It just changed focus…’cuz you can bet there are still plenty of folks still making BANK off the collective stupid.

And monetizing stupid is what QAnon is all about, don’tchaknow?? The t-shirt concession alone has got to be worth MILLIONS.

When something doesn’t happen, it doesn’t trigger a reassessment for those under the QAnon spell. For simpletons to reconsider such outlandish beliefs might force them to face the reality that their opinions have no basis in fact. And that might be a bit too much for those intellectual titans to contemplate.

No, it’s not the beliefs that are the problem, at least to their way of thinking. All they need is to rethink the signs and the clues because they’re misreading the tea leaves.

Yeah, that’s GOTTA be it….

Because these patriots KNOW that evil is happening and that Democrats are responsible for it. They just need to ponder the clues a bit longer so they may connect the dots. That’s the beautiful thing about QAnon and other conspiracy theories; it’s never the theorists who are mistaken. It’s the puzzle that needs to be reconfigured to fit the circumstances.

Someone should tell these folks that you don’t adjust your evidence to match your preconceived conclusion. Unless, of course, you’re QAnon, in which case conventional logic and reason cease to apply.

Yes, when you’re in the grips of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, YOU’RE never the problem because you’re too intellectually bereft to recognize that you’re just that hopelessly dense.

Others thought perhaps that Jagger and Richards had been using “adrenochrome” to stay virile, building on years of conspiratorial speculation about their ability to stay healthy despite their lifetime of libertine antics and hard drug use. In a nutshell, “adrenochrome” is a common chemical compound that forms when the stress hormone adrenaline is oxidized. Adrenochrome has become the focus of a popular QAnon theory that is basically a reformed version of the century-old anti-semitic “blood libel” theory that says political elites torture children to harvest their essential body fluids. 

THIS JUST IN: John F. Kennedy, Jr. is still dead…and has been since July 16, 1999. So if you’re intellectually vacant enough to believe a conspiracy theory that holds that JFK, Jr.’s reanimated corpse will be Donald Trump’s running mate in 2024, you should turn in your voter registration card now.

I wish someone would explain why so many otherwise seemingly lucid Americans have chosen to yoke their wagon to an incompetent, narcissistic ignoramus who shouldn’t be allowed to manage a Dairy Queen franchise in East Bumfukk, ND. Why do so many people fervently believe and are willing to set aside any semblance of critical thought to support Donald Trump, whose primary and ONLY priority is his self-interest?

If you’re so willing to set aside your autonomy and worship someone wholly unworthy of it, surely there are better and more worthy despots available than Donald F*****g Trump? Perhaps I’m too dense to understand his appeal, but I wouldn’t trust Trump to lick the stamps I put on my envelopes.

Are we so collectively stupid that a significant portion of the voting population could look at Trump and think, “Hey, there’s someone who can save America”…?

Then again, as a sage observer once told me, “Never ask a question you’re not prepared to hear the answer to.”

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