Um...Mr. Cluth, The Language Police Are On Line One....
Something about your "violations of community profanity standards??"
get ready for the stupidest fucking nonsense you’re going to hear today.
and brace yourself, because there’s going to be some swearing.
because apparently, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., the 46th President of the United States, has a bit of a potty mouth.
As a writer, I’ve long been fascinated by the power words can have, as well as the power that people impart to certain words. Take profanity, f’rinstance; for reasons I’ll probably never understand, some words result in all sorts of pearl-clutching among certain holier-than-thou types.
When I was in high school, an English teacher I respected greatly told me profanity was the sign of a weak mind unable to express itself any other way. I held onto that definition for decades, and while my language wasn’t pristine, there was always one word I promised myself I’d never use:
FUCK.
Yes, “fuck” was always beyond the pale for me. It was always the Rubicon I wouldn’t cross, though in moments of anger or extreme pain, I was prone to lowering my standards, if only momentarily.
I’m not sure why “fuck” was always my line in the sand, but it always seemed like a crude expression of feelings I could find better ways to communicate. Hey, I’m an educated, erudite person with an IQ higher than your average bear; so why shouldn’t my vernacular reflect that?
Then, probably sometime in my mid- to late-40s, things began to change for me. I think it had a lot to do with reading a study that made the argument that the use of profanity was a sign of a highly intelligent mind. That seemed rather counterintuitive to me, but when I thought about it in greater depth it began to make sense.
And then I had my “Eureka!!” moment, and I realized what I’d probably known my entire life but had never allowed to register: “Fuck” is very likely the single most versatile word in the English language. It’s an expletive, a statement of exasperation/desperation, a verb, an adverb, an adjective…it can modify so many words and emotions.
“FUCK!”
“You’re so FUCKING stupid!”
“That’s so FUCKING awesome!”
“I heard them FUCKING through the hotel room wall last night.”
“FUCK me; that’s brilliant!”
“I don’t FUCKING understand what went wrong….”
I could go on pretty much indefinitely, but I think you can smell what I’m cooking here. “Fuck” is an ingeniously flexible word, and the fact that some folks take offense at its use is, frankly, pretty fucking stupid.
Words, whether considered “profane” or otherwise, have only the weight we choose to give them. “Fuck” is only offensive because somewhere along the line, pearl-clutchers with power and influence over language decided that its use would not be allowed in polite company. And so it’s been for lo, these many years. No one’s questioned it or even demanded an explanation; it’s simply been accepted as the way things are.
Well, fuck that, Jethro.
I frankly don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about profanity or my use of it. If I make it my goddamn business to cuss like a fucking longshoreman, then why shouldn’t I be able to do that? Does that make me less intelligent? Less socially acceptable?
Does it make me an ignorant, selfish asshole? Do I seem like the sort of person who fucking cares what some dumb son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t even fucking know me feels about how I use the goddamn English language?
OK, so that’s perhaps a bit over the top, but my point is that they’re just words, and words carry only the weight and gravitas we ascribe to them. Profanity lies in the ear of the listener or the eye of the reader, so if one is taking offense perhaps it’s time to ask a very simple question:
Why? What about the words offends you?
What could possibly be so fucking offensive about a goddamn word that you have to go and get so pissy with those around you because your tender fucking sensibilities went tits-up? Don’t you think that says more about you than it does about anyone or anything else?
What gives you the fucking right to bitch and moan about a word being “offensive?” Who died and made you the goddamn Language Police? Seriously, motherfucker…what gives you the right to impose your narrow damn standards on others? Perhaps it’s past time for you to pull your anterior from your posterior and stop being such a fucking pain in the ass.
Perhaps you could start by listening to the musings of one of my personal heroes and slayer of dragons:
One of my favorite things things in the world when I was in college was the late George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words.” He lampooned the seven profane words the Federal Communication Commission (FCC) at that time would go ape-shit if someone complained about hearing on television or radio.
And what were those words?
Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Piss. Tits. Turd. Twat. OK, so that’s eight words. Motherfucker was on the original list and, at least in the minds of some, should never have come off.
Looks at that list. I don’t know about you, but I find that there’s something about seeing the words in print that seems almost emasculating, that robs them of much of their power. They’re just words, letters on a page- no more, no less. What power one chooses to ascribe to them is up to each individual.
You might see them differently than, say, Charles Bukowski…but that’s OK. They’re only words. If you invest no significance or power to offend in them, then they’ll hold none for you.
During my dissolute youth, I had a weekly four-hour radio show on WMCN, Macalester College’s tiny 10-watt FM station whose signal barely reached from St. Paul into south Minneapolis. The station manager let me play anything I wanted, but I was under strict orders not to play Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words.”
So guess what I did when we got a copy of Carlin’s LP? As soon as the station manager left for the day, I grabbed the LP, queued up “Seven Dirty Words” on my turntable, and let ‘er rip. I heard about it in pretty short order, of course, but I think the station manager was secretly happy someone had the balls to actually play it.
We waited to hear from the FCC…and never did. And so it was that I played “Seven Dirty Words” every week until I signed off permanently. I got plenty of calls from listeners who were happy to hear it and I never heard a single complaint. That was probably because 99.93% of WMCN’s listeners were stoners and college students.
So, fuck yeah…they may have been seven “dirty” words, but in the end they were just words. No one got hurt, no one’s dignity was dented, and everyone got high and had a good laugh.
So whether we’re talking about George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” or other allegedly “profane” words, all of them are only as powerful and/or offensive as we choose to make them.
My advice to those pearl-clutching pussies so intent on taking offense at every goddamn instance of the word “fuck,” “shit,” “cocksucker,” “motherfucker,” etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseam?
Get over yourselves already. They’re just words. Am I going to use them all the time every time I write something? Of course not. I may use them, in the same way I may use other words if I think they’re germane to a point I’m trying to make.
Writers play with words; it’s our stock in trade. Bricklayers stack bricks, I do the same with words. I just have a few more tools at my disposal and my work isn’t nearly as messy and exposed to the elements. I prefer to have the widest array of bricks words available, so I’m not going to limit myself. I’m not going to use profanity gratuitously, just as I’m not going to include graphic monkey sex videos if they’re not relevant to my subject matter.
Wait…graphic monkey sex videos???
SQUIRREL!!
Anyway, here in my sandbox, I use language my way. If you’re someone who takes offense at the occasional “FUCK!” or “SHIT!”…well, I don’t know what to tell you, Sparky. I write like I speak, and while I’m not known for being a particularly profane person, I can get my swear on when I put my mind to it.
Remember, they’re just words. It’ll be a lot easier if you can relax, enjoy the ride, and see where they take you. You might find that you like it…and you might even learn something. I know I do when I’m writing these posts.
So, to quote someone I follow on Instagram, “Have a great day, you big, beautiful motherfuckers!!”