Welcome to the Stupidverse, where "Right-wing influencers" RULE

Mama must be SO proud, yeah? More likely, she committed ritual suicide out of shame and embarrassment. Welcome to life on "Earth-Two."

This just in from Dumbass News Intergalactic HQ in East Diaperstain, Alberta:

In trying to understand how and why some (barely) human meat sacks believe themselves perfectly within their rights to harass, insult, denigrate, and/or demean those whose only “crime” is living, believing, thinking, and/or loving differently than they do, I’ll defer to MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace. She often refers to “Earth-One,” where people are reasonable, rational, compassionate, and kind to one another, and “Earth-Two,” where people are…Republicans.

On “Earth-Two,” ignorance, arrogance, unwarranted self-superiority people, and gratuitous cruelty are celebrated values, and people can be assholes to whatever degree and in whatever manner they deem appropriate. If someone offends their tender sensibilities by daring to be different, they grant themselves carte blanche to react as they see fit.

Insult someone because they’re LGBTQ? Of course, they’re disgusting and should never be allowed near decent human beings, especially children.

Express racist attitudes and behavior toward others because their skin happens not to be the same color? Sucks to be them, yeah? After all, who wouldn’t agree that the world would be a far better place if non-Whites accepted being “less than” with fewer legal rights? If non-Whites knew and accepted “their place,” we’d all get along famously, right? Of course, because America is the property and playground of good, God-fearing, White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriots/

Ridicule those who reject your “kill-’em-and-grill-’em” flavor of Christian god in favor of their own, non-Jesus-y belief system? Of course, because anything less than bending the knee before Jesus Christ, Our Lord AND Savior © is BLASPHEMY!!!! And it should be punishable by death AS DEMANDED BY THE OLD TESTAMENT!! According to the ancient ones, they should be keelhauled, boiled in oil, or forced to eat Chick-fil-A ‘til they burst!!

Yes, on “Earth-Two,” the inmates seriously believe they run the asylum because they (to their way of thinking) were to the manor born. It’s just that the manor has no plumbing, electricity, or rodent control, and the rats are the ones running the place.

On “Earth-Two,” idiots, malcontents, liars, thieves, propagandists, and haters believe the rest of humanity OWES them (‘cuz they’re White folks with grievances, don’tchaknow??), and they’re not afraid to make their voices heard.

Yeah, welcome to “Earth-Two,” also home to the Stupidverse, where the Dunning-Kruger Effect is the coin of the realm and the things our parents taught us to value- kindness, compassion, intelligence, etc.- are now held to be “woke” and, therefore, “bad.”

It also turns out that on “Earth-Two,” being a flaming asshole can be a lucrative career move. Just ask Tiffany Gomas, who’s already gotten far more than the 15 minutes of fame she didn’t deserve for exposing herself as a transphobic bitch on an airplane.

Now Ms. Gomas is- wait for it, y’all- a (**cough**) “Right-wing influencer,” which appears to be Right-wing Echo Chamber code for “arrogant, unapologetic, self-righteous asshole who thinks like us, so he/she’s cool.”

You can read about her story and public meltdown, which any decent person would’ve been shocked at and humbled by, in greater detail online. Still, I’m not giving her any more oxygen than necessary to explain how the Right-wing Stupidverse works on “Earth-Two.”

Tiffany Gomas, the woman famous for a public freakout on a plane that became one of the most viral memes of 2023, has seemingly joined forces with Ultra Right Beer.

Yesterday, Gomas posted a photo of herself wearing a bikini emblazoned with the beer company's logo and insists she did it for free, not as a paid partnership.

Ultra Right Beer started in 2023, around the same time as Gomas' "that mother----er is not real" moment became internet-famous. The beer company grew out of the right-wing boycott of Bud Light, which was triggered by Budweiser's decision to hire Dylan Mulvaney, a trans woman, as a promotional partner.

Ultra Right Beer, which bills itself as "woke-free beer," launched with a highly memed video last April that featured its founder Seth Weathers drinking alcohol in a public bathroom and hitting a baseball.

“Woke-free” beer? Hey, nothing like cutting the market for your shitty beer in half before you even hit the market, eh? That’s some Prime Time, Grade A, USDA Prime, top-shelf stoopid, eh?

Then again, I’m a writer, not a marketer, so I don’t have to know anything about anything. And since I’m currently on 1000mg/day of Fukitol ©, it doesn’t matter.

Worst case scenario, I can always claim this is all research for my upcoming novel, So You Wanna Be A Dumbass?, due out in March 2034 or sometime thereabout.

The first chapter will be about why drinking “anti-’”woke’” beer is a serious dumbass move.

You can’t rush Stupid, knowhutimean? Unless you’re a “right-wing influencer,” of course.

I’m guessing the first thing they teach dumbasses at “Right-wing influencer” school, a former wholly-owned subsidiary of Trump University ©, is monetizing the fine art of triggering Liberals.

And, of course, Ms. Gomas has already failed her first course. To monetize pissing people off, they must first have some (usually aggressively negative) opinion about you. It’s a challenge to piss off those who genuinely don’t give a shit about you. Thus, in posing the question, “Wonder how many people I’m gonna piss off with this post?” Ms. Gomas mistakenly assumes people care enough about her to react.

Au contraire, mon ami….

As an Ontario Boy Scout leader once told me during an uncomfortable moment at a Canadian Scout Jamboree when I was a wee lad, “Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” While the poor schlub may have suspected himself to be quite the comedian, he was merely stating a plain fact.

(I can only speak for myself, but Bud Light is ipso facto a shitty beer. If you’re marketing your beer as part of a political movement based on ignorance, unwarranted arrogance, hatred, and prejudice, then, alas, yours ‘tis also a shitty brew. Of course, I’d take Dylan Mulvaney over Tiffany Gomas ANY day of the week and twice on Sunday. At least Ms. Mulvaney is living her life without pissing on anyone else’s existence.)

In my case, not only had I never heard of Tiffany Gomas before I started writing this newsletter, but now I’m wishing my ignorance was still complete. What she fails to factor into her “AIN’T I THE SHITS!!” equation is that, as holds for men, women with decent bodies who look good in swimsuits are a dime a dozen.

With inflation and all, maybe a quarter, but my point still holds. Ms. Gomas came to the world’s attention via her propensity for being an exceedingly publicly transphobic asshole. That remains her only marketable skill.

Quite sad, but ya dance with what brung ya, yeah? (Sincerest of apologies to every Texasism I manage to massacree there.)

Yeah, I wonder how many people I’m going to piss off with this post?

Ah, let me count the ways. Nope, it's still zero because though I occasionally upset people, I allow them their reactions and don’t take it personally. So, nope, still zero.

Oh, and would it surprise anyone were I to mention that Ms. Gomas also has an (ignorant and ill-informed) opinion about transgender women in sports? As if it’s any of her damned business?

“So… is now an appropriate time to tell y’all men don’t belong in women’s sports?!”

The post suggests Gomas is looking to mine additional relevancy by tapping into American culture wars.

“[M]ine additional relevancy? Welcome to today’s coffee-spew moment.

The New York Post’s first mistake was assuming that she ever possessed any cultural relevance. When last I checked, being a flaming asshole and public transphobe hardly qualifies as a claim to “cultural relevance.”

As an acolyte of the late Dorothy Parker (“If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit here next to me, dear….”), I’ve been known to spread opinions that are…well, not always welcomed with open arms on “Earth-2.” I’m OK with that, though, because the denizens of “Earth-2” aren’t generally known for their compassion and/or commitment to objective reality.

So, yeah, I’m still trying to grow my crops the old-fashioned way- by working hard, being committed to my craft, and outing those who generally don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Tiffany Gomas is the worst example of trying to achieve success in the worst possible way- being an asshole, appealing to our darker angels, and completely disrespecting those not “enlightened” enough to be good, God-fearing, Trump-supporting White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriots.

In the words of the immortal John Blutarsky, “Christ, what an asshole.”

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