Who knew that Dolt 45 is a (barely) human, toxic gas emitting Superfund site?

How to win a court case by asphyxiating your adversaries

We here at North Stars & Cowboy Bars don’t like to get our yuks at the expense of the elderly…because, with any luck, we’ll be there ourselves one day. Hopefully, though, we won’t become the broken-down flatulent gas bag that Donny Diaperfull has apparently been for quite some time, so fuck him; he’s fair game.

Besides, he’s a flaming asshole, an irredeemable sociopath, and a narcissistic shitstain of a humanoid, so the editorial staff has no qualms with having whatever fun there is to be had at his expense.

With the beginning of Trumple Thinskin’s “election interference/hush money/I-fucked-a-porn-star-paid-her-and-then-marked-it-as-a-legal-expense” trial this past week, he’s once again reduced himself to the unintentional comedy gold mine he’s long been.

This is what careening through life with zero self-awareness and an affinity for the Dunning-Kruger Effect will get you.

Or, as my late father used to say,

“Christ, what a dumbass!”

It looks as if we’re going to need a totally different kind of gag order…before people in the courtroom end up in the hospital with some sort of gas poisoning.

I’m hearing from credible sources who know what’s going on in the courtroom, and what I’m hearing is that — take it for what it’s worth — Donald Trump is actually farting in the courtroom, and that it’s very stinky around him. it’s a putrid odor in the courtroom, and that Trump’s lawyers are repulsed by the scent and the smell … I’m hearing from actual credible people that as he’s falling asleep, he is actually passing gas, and that his lawyers are struggling with the smell.

- Bret Meiselas

As

Jeff Tiedrich

advised, #DonFartleone had been trending on Twitter all day on Friday. That was an improvement over the #DonSnoreleone hashtag that had started early in the week when Trump had fallen asleep during jury selection…which was evidently when the gas attacks had begun.

But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas

But it's all right, I'm jumpin' jack flash

It's a gas, gas, gas

- Rolling Stones, “Jumping Jack Flash”

(Be grateful you’re not his legal team seated next to him…and not just because of the rancid flatulence.)

Thankfully, the Internet Creative Ridicule Team didn’t forget to send its best.

I can’t imagine that this is the image that TrumpWorld wants to project to the drooling knuckledraggers in MAGAnation. The slobbering, barely lucid masses are convinced that their strongman is an unbreakable, unshakeable, and faultless leader free of human faults and foibles.

Clearly, none of them were in that courtroom when the gas attack began.

Now they’re going to find out that their orange-hued god-like sociopath is a flatulent bioweapon? And the only way he’s going to win in court is if he lays down a noxious cloud thick and toxic enough to lay waste to everyone in the courtroom?

As

Thom Hartmann

tells us,

[W]hen Trump falls asleep he also starts farting, and the smell is so bad that it’s a problem for his attorneys. Noel Casler has repeatedly said that when he worked with Trump on Celebrity Apprentice the billionaire (?) was wearing diapers that were often soiled and smelly, grossing out the NBC film crew. I’m reluctant to make fun of elderly people who are incontinent, but this is another way that the patina of “strongman” gets etched away from Trump because he has to sit in this courtroom all day every day of his trial and, if the reports are true, the smell is extraordinary.

I know it might be a stench stretch, but even as some MAGAnauts are worried about chemtrails (that’s another post coming up soon) and are blaming them on the government, could there be another, more gastrointestinal reason for them? Could they be related to recent trips Donald Trump’s limousine have allegedly take through drive-through lanes at New York City-area Taco Bells?

(And what must the poor Secret Service personnel charged with riding with him be suffering through? No one should have to suffer through something like that. These people have families, ferchrissakes.)

I know; it might be a stench stretch…but what if…? Nah, it couldn’t be…could it??

Of course, there will be denials from Trump’s team and from Trump himself if anyone thinks (or dares) to ask him. And there’s nothing but the word of those who were in the courtroom to go on. Then again, this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has been alleged, so it’s not exactly breaking news. There have long been stories about Donny Diaperfull having a certain…fragrance about him.

Reportedly the presidential tooting happens when Trump dozes off at the defense table, which he did with some frequency this past week. This news makes it more distressing that this trial is being neither televised nor audio-streamed. It is outrageous that the New York courts are stepping on the public’s First Amendment right to know if the candidate of one of our two major political parties is farting loudly enough to be heard in the gallery seats behind him.

Imagine if he kept napping and farting during a high-level diplomatic meeting with another country’s leader? We’d have an international incident on our hands.

This is actually not the first time we have heard reports that Donald Trump smells like an old corpse decaying in the woods. A few months ago, former congressman Adam Kinzinger posted on Twitter about his surprise that more people don’t talk about Trump’s musk. He also said:

The easiest way to explain it … take armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup and put that … in a blender and bottle that as a cologne.

Thank you, Adam Kinzinger, for your contribution to the historical record.

Eww…I may never eat again.

Of course, if you sold that cologne at MAGA rallies, 40% of the country would be uninhabitable…or perhaps even more uninhabitable than it already is.

And yes, if you’re Trump’s propaganda chief, this is PRECISELY the sort of story you don’t want floating around about the man who would be the first dictator in American history. It’s not exactly the picture of a decisive, powerful, in-control strongman, is it?

What Would Viktor Órban Do? Certainly not that.

(Maybe have him lay off the Taco Bell? Just a thought.)

Snopes has rated the claim as “unproven,” which makes sense. Flatulence, after all, can’t be seen, and there’s no way to definitively prove its source, even if one is reasonably certain of the owner of the orifice from whence it emerged.

There's a long history of making fun of minor presidential gaffes, like a "Saturday Night Live" take on Gerald Ford, inspired by the time he fell down the stairs of Air Force One. When that claim is about the president's supposed flatulence, it's often an implication that the person is growing senile and might be unfit to serve. But as Snopes summarized in 2022, claims about embarrassing behavior by a president, current or former, are not new, no matter the political positions or the truthfulness of the claim. We've covered them about Trump, Joe Biden and Barack Obama.

I suppose this could be called what David Corn of Mother Jones referred to as “a different type of news leak.” Har har…I see what you did there, David….

While I seriously doubt that the people in the courtroom are making this story up, the only people who really know what happened are the ones sitting at the Trump team’s table…and those are the folks we should be feeling sorry for.

Or perhaps not. They’ve chosen to represent the second-worst person on the planet (the worst, of course, being Russian President Vladimir Putin). In casting their lot with Trumple Thinskin, they’ve gotten what they deserve, and if Agolf Shitler is the source of the toxic emissions…well, that may not have been in their job description, but tough shit (and, yes, the pun is fully intentional).

But at least the week wasn’t a total washout for Dolt 45:

So here is what Donald Trump accomplished this week: made his lawyers’ jobs much harder and introduced an airborne toxic event into the courtroom that apparently nearly required a response from a hazmat team. But at least he got some sleep.

If nothing else, it feels good to be able to have a good and well-deserved laugh at Trump’s expense. Who really knows or cares whether the story of his flatulence in the courtroom is true? Based on his past, there's enough there to know that it feels as if it could be true, and for those of us who despise this corpus horriblis with every fiber of our being, that’s enough to go on.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on (figuratively speaking, of course).

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