Y'all are headed straight to Hell...you just don't know it yet
Good news, though...for the right price, Pastor Greg Locke can get you right with Jesus!!
I love stupid plans.
Megan Whalen Turner, The Queen of Attolia
Neither love nor evil conquers all, but evil cheats more.
Laurell K. Hamilton, Cerulean Sins
You love your children. And because you love your children, you certainly don’t want them to spend eternity in Hell, amiright? ‘Cuz that would suck. So you want to raise them to love Jesus, give all their money to the Church, and vote Republican.
That’s what God would have us do. How do we know this? Because Pastor Greg Locke, who has a hotline to the Almighty sitting right there on his Holy Mahogany Desk, says so. He gets all sorts of proprietary godly information during his weekly conference calls with Jesus Christ. Then, he boils down that knowledge for his congregation on Sunday morning.
Yes, Pastor Locke is a true and selfless servant of the Prince of Peace if ever there was one.
Sure, he can be a bit over the top sometimes, but it’s only because he has trouble containing all that Christian love boiling up inside him. Well, that and he occasionally forgets to take his Thorazine on Saturday night. When that happens, all Hell breaks loose on Sunday morning, if you know what I mean.
Like the time he smashed a Barbie doll house….
Come this Halloween, Pastor Locke had something special in store for his flock of sheeple.
If your kids are like most kids, they probably want to go trick-or-treating on Halloween this year. But have you considered getting them exorcised? Well, if you live in Tennessee, that will be an option for you, as MAGA Pastor Greg Locke will be performing a mass exorcism of children, to rid them of demonic forces. What a normal and non-traumatizing way to spend an evening!
Not only that, Pastor Locke and his wife Tai (who was his secretary until he divorced his other wife a few years ago, and is likely just as holy) will be hosting a very exciting bonfire of “occult objects.”
Of course, Erin and I don’t have children, but even if we did, I can safely say that getting them exorcised would never be on our radar. Nor would allowing them to be in the same area code as a freak show like Greg Locke, who’s a Christian in the same way I’m a four-star general in the Space Force.
Having had his sense of humor surgically removed, Locke decided that the thing to do for Halloween was to terrorize as many children as possible. It’s what Jesus would do, right?
The announcement on Instagram reads:
On Halloween night, we will be doing two very important things….
1. We will be conducting a mass deliverance service for children. Parents, don’t miss this opportunity to pray for the freedom and healing of your children. 95% of the adults we deal with In deliverance ministry have been under attack since they were kids. This will be a powerful move of the Lord.2. We will once again be burning all things related to witchcraft and the occult. Ask the Lord to show you what’s in your home that needs to be removed. I can assure you, there are some items that must go.
Wait…95% of adults have been under attack since childhood? By what? The Hamburglar?? And what sorts of things would regular people have in their homes related to witchcraft or the occult? The Collected Works of Chairman Joe Biden? Mom’s Hitachi vibrator…er, personal massager? The horse dildo little Johnny found under the bed? The Democratic…um, Communist Manifesto?
Who among us would not just kill to find out what they come to that bonfire with? I bet you they all just cheat and run out to Home Goods and raid the Halloween sale section, grabbing all the gold skull soap pumps (I actually bought three, they’re super cute), Ouija Board kitchen floor mats and bat shaped ice cube trays they can find.
If I had plans to attend Pastor Locke’s Occult Burning & Children’s Mass Deliverance (Or was it Children’s Burning & Occult Mass Deliverance? It’s hard to keep his crazy shit straight sometimes.), I’d hit a sex toy shop. I’d buy the oddest-looking sex toys I could find and claim I found them under my parent’s bed in a shoe box.
Not only would my parents be mortified, but it would make everyone present wonder what they might’ve missed out on.
This event is typical of Greg Locke’s ministry, especially regarding children. If you start them early and terrify them enough, you can keep them on the straight and narrow, thus ensuring Locke a steady stream of compliant adults who will continue to fund his abusive madness long into the future.
Hey, it’s a job….
There’s nothing “Christian” about Locke’s Halloween Occult Burning & Children’s Mass Deliverance because what he's doing is using fear to propagandize young minds. No one wants to go to Hell. And so he paints a terrible picture of what awaits children if they don’t accept Jesus Christ as their Personal Caddy Savior and Rent Boy.
Since young children don’t know anything else and are taught to respect what adults tell them, they’ll often default to respecting what people like Greg Locke tell them. That’s how churches like his ensure a reliable future supply of sheeple and keep themselves going long into the future.
It’s not about saving souls; it’s about ensuring future cash flow and continued job security.
I would also love to know how people would know they were under attack from demons since childhood. How does this work? Are they the same demons or different demons? Is it that you get a couple of demons when you are a kid and then those same demons just stay with you and attack you for your whole life, or one demon attacks you and then tells the other demons what a good time he had attacking you and then they all show up and you become the new demon hotspot?
Greg Locke does not explain!
No, he doesn’t, and it seems like being under attack by demons would be the sort of thing you’d notice early on and want to be rid of, right? Demons aren’t the sorts of folks who will make nice with you and hang in the background as you grow from a wee small child into adulthood. No, demons live to mess stuff up, if you know what I mean.
So, what, they’ll hang around for 20, 30, or more years like a case of shingles because they’re having such a good time?
Of course, if you can’t be there, you can still exorcise your own demons at home, with his handy dandy Deliverance Handbook (which, hopefully, will not teach anyone to squeal like a pig.)
Now, the whole thing is 51 pages long, so we’re not gonna be fisking that today, but check out some of these fascinating “renunciations” the people being exorcised are supposed to do:
• I renounce all lust, perversion, immorality, uncleanness, impurity, adultery, fornication, pornography, and all sexual sin in Jesus’ name.
• I renounce every form of witchcraft, all sorcery, all divination, and all occult involvement known or unknown in the name of Jesus.
• I renounce any affiliation with the Catholic Church and its idolatry. I refuse to justify paganism. I release myself and my family in Jesus’ name from any generational curse that I have received from any and all false religions.
Yeah, as if you didn’t already know (or at least suspect), Pastor Greg Locke has some serious issues, not the least of which is that he’s running a wee bit low on Christian love and charity. Nor is he overflowing with tolerance and understanding, either.
But 51 pages? That’s not a handbook, that’s a freakin’ 24/7/365 rulebook. Oh, and there’s more….
I renounce any connection, known or unknown, that I have to the Masonic Lodge and the Green Bay Packers. Any secret society oath made by me or my ancestors is rendered powerless. I lift every curse, sickness, and demon that has resulted from the evil of freemasonry. In Jesus’ name, this evil power is broken and cannot continue to attack me and my family.
OK, I made up the part about the Green Bay Packers…but the rest is true. And pretty damned ridiculous. So, Greg Locke hates the Catholic Church and the Masonic Lodge? Why not the Packers? It makes as much sense as anything else.
Seems like a really nice and normal exorcism they’ve got there! It’d be a real shame if someone showed up dressed like Linda Blair screaming “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”
Wouldn’t it, though?
Interestingly, the guy who divorced his wife and married his secretary wants his flock of sheeple to renounce adultery. Is this another example of “Do as I say, not as I do?” Or is it a case of someone who fails to grasp the optics of the situation?
Then again, with any luck, perhaps Pastor Locke will decide that self-immolation is the best method of purification…though it seems a bit extreme.
Let’s hope there isn’t a quiz on his 51-page Deliverance Handbook…because who’s going to read the damned thing? The least he could do is boil it down to bullet points.
Or perhaps he did…and his 51-page Deliverance Handbook is the result.
Of course, Greg Locke is WAY too full of himself to believe that he, who enjoys direct communication with Almighty God, is anything but 100% correct, 100% of the time. And by the way, don’t forget your commitment to tithe; God loves you, but he’s a bit short of cash, don’tchaknow?
When you get down to it, Greg Locke is just a poor man’s Joel Osteen. He hasn’t figured out how to grift himself into that upper stratosphere of high earners like Osteen or Creflo Dollar…but maybe someday.
A boy can dream, no?
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