You're alive, so seize the opportunity to tell someone that you love them before they aren't
Someday, they won't be...and then it'll be too late
Life’s a bitch…and then you die.
Me, on far too many occasions
There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does.
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
So, once again, here I am, back in the homeworld. In January. Against my better judgment. Sadly, there’s a reason for it. My sister-in-law, whom I wrote about just a few days ago, passed away early yesterday morning at about 1:30 PT. JoAnne’s passing happened pretty quickly, which prevented Erin and me from getting to southeastern Minnesota before she died.
The other reason we couldn’t get her before she passed was the hellacious ice storm in the Portland area that forced us to drive to Seattle to catch a flight to Minneapolis-St. Paul. I got the text from my brother, Patrick, in our hotel room in Seattle at about 3:30 a.m., and while it was crushing news, our not being there with the rest of the family couldn’t have been helped. She was surrounded by her children and her husband, which was as it should have been. And she her mortal coil peacefully. Our being there would have made us feel better, but it wouldn’t have done anything to make things easier for the family.
We finally got to Zumbrota at about 3 p.m. and caught up with some family we hadn’t seen in quite some time. Then my brother arrived, and so did the tears. I’ll be here for a while to look after my mother and brother. I’m fortunate that my job affords an astonishing degree of flexibility. I’d told my boss this might be coming, and she said, “OK, just let me know when you need to go.”
When I called her on Tuesday, I told her I needed to leave for Minnesota and wasn’t sure when I’d return. She told me not to worry about that; my colleagues would handle things. And so I could leave knowing I had nothing to worry about.
It was a mere five days ago that I wrote about an email I’d written to JoAnne to let her know how much I loved her and would miss my “little sister” after she was gone.
Her response to my writing was so in character that rereading it yesterday brought me to tears. It made me glad that I told her how I felt when I did. If I’d waited just a couple more days, she might not have been able to read it.
I shouldn't have let a response go this long, big brother. But when a man writes and makes you cry....
Thank you for your words, for opening yourself for something so personal. I honestly don't see myself the way you describe. But it has always been my aim to leave people better after we are together than before. To not dwell on where we differ but to enjoy every moment we have together. To spend the time knowing and loving one another.
You have a softened heart. There is more to you than you know and having you and Erin around more these last years has been so good. We appreciate you both and how hard you have worked to be around. I know that will continue in the days to come. It's assurance Pat and I both need right now. Our kids are so glad you are here as resources as well, esp for Sally too.
That's enough bawling...things are going to change eventually and it will be hard. It's harder by the day now. But you all will get through it together.
Love to you both...
Tattoo is icing on the cake. Not for you and I, but for you to encourage others in sorrow or hard times. They'll believe you, because you are living it.
JoAnne’s Christian faith was strong and informed every aspect of her life. I didn’t share her faith, and we both understood I never would, though she never stopped praying that someday I might see the light. While I don’t share her faith, I’ve always admired her commitment to it and how it shone through in her kindness to those she encountered daily. She always found a way to see the best in others, even when it was clear it wasn’t the easiest thing to do.
She was the sister I never had, and I learned a lot from her. Hopefully, she learned a thing or two from me. More than anything, though, I love her for how she loved and cared for my brother, who, like me, isn’t always the easiest person to live with. No matter what, though, they were always there for one another, and JoAnne loved Patrick as she had when they met at 15. They’ve been through a lot during their 40+ years together, but they were always there for one another. The way Patrick cared for JoAnne during her final months, weeks, and days is something I’ll not soon forget.
Without JoAnne, Patrick almost certainly wouldn’t be with us today, and I believe that he repaid that devotion in spades by caring for her as cancer slowly took her away. Now, I want nothing more than for my youngest brother to be able to find peace. I can’t begin to imagine the grief of losing a spouse, especially one you’ve loved since you were 15.
It’s been a tough couple of months dealing with the realities of the cycle of life. Recognizing and understanding that doesn’t make it easier. Still, I know that I’m at the point in life where people begin leaving with greater frequency. That sucks, but such is life. To love is to risk losing those you love, and when you do, it hurts like Hell and leaves a hole that can’t be filled.
What sustains me now is the knowledge that JoAnne is no longer in pain. Patrick no longer has to get up every couple of hours to give her morphine. Life will never be what it was, but at least it will be devoid of the suffering that’s defined the past few months for both of them.
JoAnne is one of the few people who could get me to come to Minnesota in the middle of January. She had that kind of effect on me. That I’m here in the dead of winter is not something I undertake willingly, but I want to honor her and be her for my brother and whatever comes next. So it may have been wise to bring some warm clothes with me because I may be here for a while. (I woke up to -1 degrees in Zumbrota this morning. Yikes….)
Damn, I miss my “little sister”….
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