"Beaver Nipples"..."Beaver Nipples"..."Beaver Nipples"...There, Don't You Feel Better?
Yes, thanks to Ben Shapiro, we're now a society forced to discuss "beaver nipples." Truly, the Apocalypse is upon us. Yes, it most certainly is.
They put out graphics of characters from "Blue's Clues" carrying gay pride flags. One of the beavers from "Blue's Clues" has had a top surgery! So, first of all, beavers don't have two nipples, I mean, it's weird that we're now supposed to talk about beaver nipples, but that's where we are as a society.
America is not a country lacking for serious, legitimate issues to be discussed and debated. But, with the gaping maw that separates red America from blue America these days, we can barely agree that water is wet. And yet there was Conservative stalwart Ben Shapiro deciding to take his listeners down a rabbit hole that no lucid American should have to travel.
Shapiro, who strives to present himself as a “normal guy,” was reduced on this day to discussing…wait for it…beaver nipples. I wish I could make the case to my gentle reader that I’m kidding.
The first thing we want anyone reading this to know is that the guy in the video talking about "beaver nipples" is a normal guy and not even remotely a perv.
LOL just kidding, we cannot guarantee either of those things.
So the Daily Wire's Ben Shapiro, the little talking pocket protector guy who one time asked his doctor wife with what we can only imagine was horror in his eyes why a woman's nether regions might become wet, is upset that a beaver on "Blue's Clues" allegedly had transgender top surgery, and that is why in this clip Ben keeps saying "beaver nipples."
You will be very shocked to learn that Ben Shapiro is kind of sort of 100 percent trying to manufacture some outrage. Then you will become shocked that Ben Shapiro wants to use the outrage he just manufactured to grift for a product that is not currently available and might never be.
WHAT?
DO beavers have nipples. Has anyone ever looked (until now)? And why should it even matter?
(Short version: It doesn’t. You’re welcome.)
So Shapiro, who looks and speaks like he’s never recovered from being his elementary school’s top social reject, refers to something that happened on the TV show “Blue’s Clues.”
In 2021.
Try to keep up, willya, Ben??
Shapiro’s all kinds of worked up that “Blue’s Clues” is “now promoting Pride nonsense.” Something about “Blues Clues” promoting what Conservatives now deride as DEI- diversity, equity, and inclusion. And yes, this is a real thing that did happen.
In 2021.
So, Ben’s not exactly breaking news here, but I guess he figures that a delayed reaction is better than no reaction.
(And God forbid that we should be reduced to discussing treating anyone not White, Conservative, Christian, and heterosexual as equal and worthy of inclusion.)
SHAPIRO: They put out graphics of characters from "Blue's Clues" carrying gay pride flags. One of the beavers from "Blue's Clues" has had a top surgery! So, first of all, beavers don't have two nipples, I mean, it's weird that we're now supposed to talk about beaver nipples, but that's where we are as a society.
I’m not an expert on children’s television, but if memory serves, “Blue’s Clues” is a cartoon, no? So how would Shapiro know that one of the beavers had had a top surgery? The man had to ask his wife (a doctor) how a woman’s sexual organ might become wet, so I’m not inclined to trust his medical judgment, if you know what I mean.
And, if we’re talking about a cartoon, wouldn’t we be referring to, at worst, a case of a character perhaps being drawn differently? So how could that connote “top surgery?” Or is Ben Shapiro just being a wee bit too pervy for his own good and letting his imagination run rampant?
If he doesn’t know how women become sexually excited (and, man, do I feel sorry for his wife), how can we trust that his knowledge that beavers don’t have two nipples is solid? And just how much time did he spend researching that salient fact?
Or does Shapiro have WAY too much free time and too little sexy time with his wife on his hands?
Of course, then the stupid begins to spin out of control, and I’m here for it. Youbetcha.
SHAPIRO: But apparently beavers trans themselves. Now I have a little secret for you: beavers don't actually do that, that's not a thing….
SHAPIRO: You cannot allow your kids to watch children's TV. You can't….
SHAPIRO: Don't let your kids watch children's TV without pre-screening the shows. Don't do it!
This is PRECISELY why I didn’t have children. I refuse to be reduced to the level of having to screen children’s television for transgender beavers or gratuitous shots of beaver nipples.
I mean, we can only expect so much from parents, right? Living in fear of beaver nipples seems so far beyond the pale I almost don’t even know where to begin.
And then…wait for it…here comes the grift in 4…3…2….
SHAPIRO: Or alternatively go subscribe to Daily Wire+, the kids' content is coming, I know, I know, everybody keeps asking when, the answer is "soon," I promise I'll let you know as soon as we have it ready, but it's gonna be AMAZING. Let us pre-screen the content for you, and that way your kids can watch stuff without worrying about whether a beaver is going to have ... his ... her ... breasts removed or some such nonsense on "Blue's Clues."
Yes, because only a subscription to Daily Wire+ can save your precious snowflakes from the looming moral threat of…wait for it…beaver nipples….
If you’ve made it this far (first, thank you…and second, you’ll notice that I haven’t asked you for money…yet), you’re probably wondering, “Who the $**& is Ben Shapiro?” I’m glad you asked because few questions of less importance have been asked in modern times.
Few inquisitive souls ask that question because they care little for how someone of so little obvious talent and brainpower became such a star in the Conservative firmament. First, his ascension to becoming a voice of authority among Conservatives should be taken as proof of how thin their bench is. Unlike Liberals, Conservatives have a crappy farm system. They’re too busy getting their 19-year-old interns drunks and then trying to schtup them.
Second, Ben Shapiro would have difficulty keeping pace intellectually with a post turtle.
Of course, this leads us to today’s coffee-spew moment, those who ask the question many Conservatives do: “[W]hy isn't he more celebrated as one of America's great intellectuals?”
Well, sure, and why aren’t PeeWee Herman and Jeffrey Toobin celebrated as among America’s greatest performers on the skin flute?”
I suppose the answer depends on what you define as “great” and “intellectual” (and “performer”).
Hey, in a world where Martha Stewart can grace the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, why can’t Ben Shapiro be considered an intellectual?
I’ll go out on a limb here and posit that it might have something to do with trafficking in discussions featuring phrases like “beaver nipples.” That’s not the sort of thing that would typically be considered Nobel-Prize-worthy material.
Let us hope (and pray, if you’re so inclined) that we’re never again subjected to hearing the words “beaver nipples” used together in a sentence. EVER.
