Hi, My Name's Jack And I'm Addicted To French Fries

And I'm actually pretty OK with that

Thanks to Milagros Food Company, Paia, Hawaii

French fries, chips, finger chips, French-fried potatoes, or simply fries are batonnet or allumette-cut deep-fried potatoes, originating from either Belgium or France. They are prepared by cutting the potato into even strips, then drying and frying it, usually in a deep fryer. Most french fries are produced from frozen Russet potatoes.

• Wikipedia

Erin and I were enjoying a pleasant lunch at an outdoor restaurant in Maui a few days ago. My meal was pretty simple: breaded and fried Mahi Mahi with French Fries. After enjoying a couple of bites of the fish, I hit the piece de resistance of my meal. The truth is that I ADORE French Fries. Nay, I think it’s fair to say that what was once adoration long ago morphed into addiction.

That love is often unrequited because I often pay for my unbridled affection later. I love the crispy, salty, potato-y combination of flavors- especially when combined with ketchup, a holdover from my childhood (I grew up in northern Minnesota, where the only allowable spices were salt, pepper, and ketchup).

I grabbed my first French Fry with eager anticipation when, to my disappointment, they wilted like an exhausted phallus after the weekend’s Cialis had worn off. It and all the rest of the fries were soggy and bland, and though I ate them (limp French Fries are better than no French Fries at all), I was sorely disappointed.

At that moment, I began to run through the catalog of meals I’ve eaten over the past few months. After careful consideration, I realized that limp, soggy French Fries were the norm, which set me to thinking. WHY, in the name of Ronald Q. McDonald, is it such a challenge to find crispy, delicious French Fries?

(Yesterday, f’rinstance, Erin and I had lunch at the seaside restaurant next to our hotel. The meal was decent enough, but the French Fries were sublime.)

It doesn’t seem like it should be that difficult- cut up some fries, drop them in boiling oil, let the oil do its thing for a few minutes, and- VOILA!- hot, crispy, crispy, French Fries. Some salt, a bottle of good quality ketchup, and I’m just this side of Heaven.

Except that, more often than not, when I order French Fries, what I get are greasy, soggy, limp- the sort of thing I’d be embarrassed to serve. And I’m a writer, not a chef. So my standards are pretty low.

As I began to educate myself on the process of cooking French Fries, the first thing I learned is that it’s not as simple as slicing up a potato and dumping it in boiling oil. It turns out that French Fries go back at least to the late 17th century. Belgian journalist Jo Gérard claimed that a 1781 family manuscript mentions deep-frying potatoes before 1680 in the Meuse Vally in the present-day Netherlands.

So, after 400+ years, you’d think that the best practices and techniques would be set, no? And you’d think it would be possible to get some pretty consistent and solid results, eh? Well, as it turns out, that’s not close to being true.

If you’re wondering why your French Fries uniformly suck and those you order at restaurants are only hit-or-miss, it turns out that restaurants have a bit of an advantage.

1. You’re probably using vegetable oil that’s fresh out of the bottle at home, which isn’t the best choice. When oil is heated, it begins to break down, and the best fat for producing crispy French Fries is slightly broken down…but not too much. Anyone who’s ever worked the fryer at a fast-food restaurant knows that the best oil isn’t clear; it’s a dark golden brown.

2. Oil, once you start boiling it, has a limited life span. Even if you only fry food once and then set it aside, the clock’s ticking. Most restaurants have a clock or some other method for ensuring frying oil doesn’t go past its prime.

3. Potatoes, once sliced, should be blanched to preserve the color, taste, and nutritional content. Once blanched, the potatoes can be frozen for later use if necessary. Blanching can be accomplished by boiling, steaming, or microwaving. Not being a chef, I’ll leave the debate over which method is best to those so inclined.

4. Choosing the right oil is essential, and it has to do with an oil’s smoke point- the temperature at which an oil begins to smoke. For example, peanut, canola, and safflower oils have smoke points well above any temperature you’d use for French Fries, while olive oil has a low smoke point. Therefore, olive oil is best for dressings, sauces, and applications that don’t call for frying.

5. Water can cause hot oil to spatter, so make sure your potatoes are as dry as possible. Patting them dry with a paper towel is a good option.

6. Restaurants use commercial deep fryers, which are always the best option. At home, a cast-iron Dutch oven will be heavy and sturdy enough to handle boiling oil. You’ll also want a deep-frying thermometer with a range of up to 400 degrees F. Temperature is key to crispy French Fries. Cook them too low, and you’ll end up with soggy, greasy fries because the potatoes will absorb the oil. Cook them too high, and you’ll have charcoal on your hands because the outside of the potatoes will burn before the interior can cook.

Like anything else, there are as many methods for cooking French Fries as there are chefs to cook them, so I’ve decided to share a couple of techniques below.

And, if that doesn’t make you want to head out and order some yourself, I figured that no discussion of French Fries would be complete without Guy Fieri weighing in.

My point is that French Fries are relatively simple creations- easy to make, but also easy to screw up if the person making them is lazy. And that, I think, is what upsets me most about the quality of French Fries in too many restaurants. There’s nothing that difficult or challenging about the process. Yet, too often, the end product is limp, tasteless, and something that a restaurant with any pride in its work should consider an embarrassment.

Once upon a time, I used to judge Italian restaurants by the quality of their tiramisu. Believe it or not, the best restaurant by that measuring stick was a Holiday Inn off I-71 in Cleveland, OH (it’s a story best left for another time).

Now I very often judge restaurants by the quality of their French Fries, and for a simple reason. French Fries don’t require a lot of in-depth culinary skill or knowledge. However, they DO require attention to detail and pride in those details. And, since they complement so many other foods, they- at least in my mind- can make or break a meal.

Soggy, limp French Fries are like bad sex- NO ONE goes away happy or with good memories of the experience. And it doesn’t need to be that way. With a bit of attention to detail and some practice, someone who isn’t even isn’t a professional chef can turn out some decent pommes frites.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find a bottle of ketchup. I can hear French Fries call my name, and I must go to them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you enjoyed it, I hope you’ll take a few seconds and join the party via a paid subscription. While you’re at it, why not forward this to a few like-minded friends who might also enjoy it!! You can also donate via Venmo (@Jack-Cluth).