MAGA "alpha males" latest rage targets- Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift

Sorry, y'all; incels don't get to weigh in on this debate- your mother's holding on line one.

And then he thought: Is this how idiots rationalize their stupidity to themselves?

• Orson Scott Card, Ender's Shadow

On the scale of things that don’t matter enough even to warrant discussion (and yet here I am….), Travis Kelce dating Taylor Swift is at the top of the list. Hey, if they make each other happy, then more power to ‘em, right? This world needs more happiness…and more sex doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.

The Earth won’t shift on its axis, and the war in Ukraine will continue as if nothing significant has occurred…because nothing has. It’s just two people enjoying each other’s company. That’s it. That’s all.

So why are so many alleged MAGA “alpha” males getting their ball sacks twisted in a vise over who Travis Kelce’s dating? It shouldn’t matter to anyone, because it’s no one else’s damned business…and yet MAGA “alpha males” are uniformly convinced that Kelce is now irreversibly on the road to “gay.”

Whatever that might mean.

So it looks like Taylor Swift is dating Travis Kelce.

If you don’t know who Travis Kelce is, he participates in American football for the Kansas City Chiefs, who won the Super Bowl earlier this year! He performs the position of “tight end.” If you are not familiar with Taylor Swift, you are very out of touch with life and you should go sitting somewhere else.

There had been rumors! And then last night, there Tay-Tay was in Arrowhead Stadium in the box with Mother Kelce. The Chiefs had a very big 41-10 win over the Chicago Bears. It was 34-0 at halftime. Just a blowout. Taylor screamed “LET’S FUCKING GO!” upon observing an early touchdown from her ostensible beau.

They left together. In a post-game interview, QB Patrick Mahomes — our personal imaginary football boyfriend, get OFF him, everyone else — talked about the pressure he felt to get a touchdown pass to Kelce what with Taylor Swift in the house.

So Travis Kelce has begun traveling the path that will inevitably lead to Swift writing a breakup song or six about him. Or perhaps not. There’s no reason we should care, save for the million-billion Swifites who’d throw themselves off a cliff if their blessed Madonna told them to. Or they may have done so already without waiting for instructions.

But it’s early, and we all have better things to worry about, right?

RIGHT??

OK, so why does Clay Travis (and who the everlasting f**k is this twit, anyway?) give a damn about who Travis Kelce may or may not be sleeping with? Is it any of his business? NO.

Does anyone worth anything care about his opinion? Again, NO.

But it’s X/Twitter, so Travis can express his vagina envy for Kelce until his fingertips bleed. And he can hope someone- anyone- cares.

Of course, he’s doubling down all over the place, trying to convince himself and his MAGA followers that they don’t look like lunatics, everybody else looks like lunatics.

Tim Miller from The Bulwark bodied him, noting how utterly strange it is that for MAGA men, “winning the Super Bowl, getting paid to shill beer and getting it on with the most famous woman in the world” could be considered “Gay, Beta,” as opposed to … whatever MAGA men are.

Travis’s website OutKick, which we had always assumed was a gay sports website — guess we were wrong — published a bizarrely angry post about “The Best Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce Memes.” Here is the (seething, enraged, furious) lede:

OMG…Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are dating and she came to his game against the Bears and it was a blowout and OMG they cut to Taylor after Travis Kelce caught a token touchdown in a massive blowout of the Bears AND IT WAS JUST THE PERFECT SUNDAY LIKE EVER!

The writer explained that they DON’T CARE, but they are only doing this for clicks, because “business is business.”

You know, for guys who claim not to care about Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, they certainly seem to care…a whole lot. They’re not just doing it for clicks; these hypocrites are legitimately triggered. They lack the self-awareness and honesty to admit to what’s happening here.

Instead, they’re directing their “alpha male” incel rage at Kelce, who they know is dating someone WAY out of their league. These incels don’t have the courage or ambition to be the sort of person that an accomplished, talented, and independent woman would willingly date. No, they want women who lack self-esteem and will obey their every command…because that’s what incels believe they deserve as Penis-Americans.

How pathetic.

And then there’s today’s coffee-spew moment:

If you know anything about Nick Adams, you know that his opinion of himself is WAY too high. The man’s a first-class, Grade-A, top-shelf, USDA Prime dickweed. He thinks he’s a magnum of Dom Perignon when, at best, he’s a six-pack of Yingling Light.

Look how far he’s fallen? I’d say Travis Kelce is doing all right…and a damned sight better than Adams, who’s to “alpha males” what Oscar Mayer wieners are to top sirloin. If Nick Adams is an “alpha male,” I’m RuPaul. And here’s a pro tip before I forget: Real alpha males don’t need to advertise. People know…and if you’re advertising, you’re not one.

And, speaking of not alpha males, Chief Incel Charlie Kirk felt the need to weigh in on this topic for some unknown reason. As if his opinion on this or any other matter makes any difference to anyone with a functional intellect and sense of decency.

There’s just so much that’s sad about this whole episode. So many silly, ignorant incels couldn’t get laid if they were the last penis-possessing humanoids on Earth surrounded by horny women. Yet they believe they have SO much to say. They sound desperate, frustrated, and jealous of a couple who’ve experienced more success and will have more sex than they could ever hope to.

Sorry, guys. You’re lazy, ignorant, misogynistic, and expect the world to be handed to you. That’s not a Travis Kelce or Taylor Swift problem; that’s a YOU problem.

And of course in these MAGA guys’ comments, incels, shut-ins and other Nazis are cheering these hysterical lib-owning jokes. “Oooof. This one might win the internet today,” said one to Charlie, with not one but two sideways laughing-until-crying emojis, which we all know signifies that the tweeter is angrier than they have ever been.

Just a bunch of totally normal guys who are all feeling extra-secure about their masculinity today, as they make fun of the guy who won the Super Bowl for getting a vaccine and (probably) dating one of the most powerful women in the world, who took a break from her billions-grossing most successful concert tour of all time to watch football from some really good seats.

Just a bunch of totally normal guys once again mad at a dominant American culture that does not give a shit if they live or die.

Isn’t that what this is really about?

Isn’t a lot of this because so many of these guys still feel extremely personally rejected by Taylor Swift, from back in 2018 when she deflated all their little Nazi erectile dysfunction fantasies about her secretly being one of them?

It’s not that the “dominant American culture” doesn’t “give a shit if they live or die.” It’s that they’ve done nothing to make anyone take notice of them. They believe that because they’re White Conservative Christian cisgender heterosexuals, the world is rightfully theirs, and success should logically follow.

Sadly for these incels, the world doesn’t work that way. They haven’t worked hard at anything their entire lives, and they’re insanely jealous of people who’ve achieved success by working very hard to get where they are. Kelce and Swift didn’t wake up rich and famous one morning. It took tremendous amounts of time, energy, and sweat equity for them to reach the top of their game and stay there.

Meanwhile, incels sit in their parent’s basement and become progressively angrier at a world that doesn’t hand them wealth and fame on a platter.

Perhaps it’s time for American “alpha males” to worry less about who Travis Kelce is dating and devote more time and effort to getting their own house in order.

Jealousy is such an ugly and unproductive emotion, and incels should be embarrassed by how they react. Isn’t it time for them to grow up and get their shit together?

If you’re wondering, the only allowable answer to that question is “YES!!”

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