Texas- Where Any Good Idea With a "D" Behind Its Name Goes To Die

Because Texas Republicans hate Democrats with the fiery passion of 1000 suns

You might think Texas is the dumbest state in the Union, but with stiff competition from Mississippi, Alabama, and Floriduh, it can be hard to keep up.

That’s why Gov. Greg Abbott is determined that the Lone State State not be “out-dumbed” by anyone.

Austin, Texas — Texas Governor Greg Abbot (R) is fed-up with states like Indiana, Florida, Arizona, Tennessee, and Mississippi stealing his state’s thunder. “For generations, people would think Texas and they’d think ‘dumb,’ but now thanks to religious freedom laws, laws allowing the open carrying of guns in public parks and government buildings, laws that actually forbid Sharia Law from being implemented, laws that attempt to nullify Federal laws, and anti-abortion laws that make a miscarriage or certain types of birth control tantamount to murder being written in other states, now you think Texas and you think ‘dumb, but not the dumbest,'” Abbot told reporters at a recent press conference for a new set of laws he wants his state legislature to take up and pass.

“And it’s high time we Texans reclaim our rightful title as the Dumbest Fucking State in the Union,” Gov. Abbot told reporters. “Sure, most rational adults wouldn’t send the National Guard out to keep tabs on the U.S. military doing a training exercise in a region close to their state because that region also happens to mirror the climate of a potential battlefield somewhere else in the world,” Abbot, who soundly defeated Democrat Wendy Davis in last year’s election said. “But I’m not a rational adult; I’m a Republican Governor. I do things based on knee-jerk reactions to idiotic conspiracy theories that are passed-on as truth.

Though his focus has shifted over the past few years (he’s thought about running for President), he still seems firmly committed to Texas being “the Dumbest Fucking State in the Union.” And toward the end, he’s refusing to follow President Joe Biden’s lead in pardoning low-level marijuana offenders.

Why? Because if Joe Biden said oxygen was good for you, Greg Abbott would commit suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. The undeniable sensibility of pardoning low-level marijuana offenders matters not at all to Gov. Abbott. If Biden does it, Abbott can and will denounce it as weak, evil, and soft on crime. And so he did.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) said he won’t consider pardons for low-level marijuana offenders after President Joe Biden called on governors across the country to consider pardons.

“Texas is not in the habit of taking criminal justice advice from the leader of the defund police party and someone who has overseen a criminal justice system run amuck [sic] with cashless bail and a revolving door for violent criminals,” Abbott spokesperson Renae Eze said in a statement Thursday.

The statement came after Biden announced a pardon of all prior federal offenses of simple possession of marijuana. He also called for a review of marijuana’s current status as a Schedule 1 drug and asked governors to consider pardons of low-level weed offenders.

“Just as no one should be in a federal prison solely for possessing marijuana, no one should be in a local jail or state prison for that reason, either,” Biden tweeted.

Abbott spokesperson Eze explained the process of issuing pardons in Texas in her statement, saying Abbott would not consider pardons.

“The governor of Texas can only pardon individuals who have been through the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles system with a recommendation for pardon,” she said.

Of course, she didn’t have to add, “Joe Biden has a “D” behind his name, which in Texas stands for ‘Dumbass.’ We’ll take legal ideas from a Democrat when Gov. Abbott rises from his wheelchair and runs a four-minute mile with Jesus by his side.”

Yeah, I’m not sure which seems more unlikely- Gov. Abbott accepting an idea from a Democrat or him rising from his wheelchair. Either way, he’s far too arrogant to acknowledge that President Biden might be on to something worth considering.

Texas spends millions each year incarcerating pot smokers, and to what end? Most of them pose a more significant threat to a bag of Doritos than they do to good, God-fearing Texans. Sure, keep the dealers and the smugglers locked up if you want, but why not legalize recreational weed just as Texas has done with alcohol for hundreds of years? Tax it like Oregon does and use the revenue generated for schools, parks, roads, and hookers and blow for Gov. Abbott.

I remember that shortly before Oregon legalized recreational weed, there were all manner of dire predictions about how pot smoking slackers would become the norm. Truth be told, nothing much has changed, save for the fact that Oregon now has a sizeable tax base from marijuana sales.

Of course, you could tell Gov. Abbott that Joe Biden said beer is tasty, and before you could say, “Hook ‘em, Horns!” Abbott would’ve sworn off alcohol. Anything Biden supports, Abbott opposes. It doesn’t matter what it is; if Biden says it’s the stairway to Heaven, Abbott will claim it’s the portal to Hell.

Abbot then took the assembled media through a series of initiatives he’d like his state’s congress to adopt and pass so he can sign them into law. “First, I want to make Chuck Norris my official Violent Revolution Czar. He’ll keep his aging, paranoid eyes locked on the goings-on around our state, and elsewhere, and report back to me when he thinks it’s time to start rising up against our government that we get a chance to peacefully change by way of votes every two, four, and six years.” Abbot produced a slide of a fetus with an AR-15 next. “And this is what I call Operation Give All Texas Fetuses Semi-Automatic Rifles,” the governor said.

Then Abbot produced an artist’s rendering of a map of the United States with a giant, semi-transparent dome with the Texas state flag emblazoned on it covering the entire Lone Star State. “We have contacted the top Texan scientists and they have assured me that within six to eight weeks we can have a fully functional energy shield over the state. All I need to do is get permission from our state legislature to give the scientists a small forested area inhabited by small creatures who live in the trees to build the shield generator in. That’s called Operation Do That Thing In Return of the Jedi.”

“The bottom line is a simple one,” Abbot told reporters. “We are just sick to death of other states trying to out-dumb us. It’s like, I just want to call up Indiana and be all, ‘Hey, if any state is going to give cover to public discrimination under the guise of religious freedom, it’s Texas buddy!’ And I want to call up Arizona and say, ‘Hey, Arizona, let us handle being crazy, xenophobic racists who truly believe every immigrant is from Mexico without proper documentation!’ But no, everyone has to try and steal our idiotic thunder! Enough is enough I say!”

As if. For a guy with decent educational and career pedigrees, Greg Abbott has a way of pushing some pretty dumb ideas. Then again, he knows Texas. He also knows that most Texans ignore politics. He could tell them Joe Biden is a pedophile with a thing for blonde pre-teen girls with big hair and they’d believe it. Abbott also knows that most Texans would vote for a ham sandwich if it had an “R” behind its name.

After having lived in Texas for 10+ years (3,722 days…but who was counting?), I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the benign banality of Oregon politics. Here in the Beaver State, “controversial” is one of the three gubernatorial candidates owning a vintage machine gun.

We can only hope Betsy Johnson doesn’t plan to use it when she loses in November, as she inevitably will.

Greg Abbott? The idea of him arming fetuses seems absurd, but the more you know about Texas, the more you realize it’s not nearly as ridiculous as it sounds.

And you wonder why I left the Lone Star State? It wasn’t just because the beer and the hyper-Christian Texas GOP suck.