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"(3,722 days…but who was counting?)" -- OK, that genuinely made me laugh.

"Here in the Beaver State, “controversial” is one of the three gubernatorial candidates owning a vintage machine gun." -- Is it a Vickers? 'cuz that would be cool.

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"It wasn’t just because the beer and the hyper-Christian Texas GOP suck."

No, you know Shiner Bock is good beer. It must have been JUST because the hyper-Christian Texas GOP sucks. :)

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