The End Of Men: Tucker Carlson's Penis Charging Station

Because what man WOULDN'T want to stick his d**k in that thing?

For millennia, humankind has wrestled with one vexing question: WHAT IS A MAN?

Well, I can’t begin to know the answer to that question, and I’m not about to burn a lot of brain cells trying to philosophize my way through it, but there’s one thing I do know. When it comes to what sets the standard for men, it isn’t Tucker Carlson- who’s to Penis-Americans what Pee-Wee Herman is to self-gratification.

Of course, never being one to underestimate his knowledge or abilities, Carlson has just dropped the trailer for his upcoming documentary, “The End of Men.”

nikki mccann ramírez @NikkiMcR

I promise you are not prepared for Tucker's latest montage

I don’t know about you, gentle reader, but if there’s anyone I’d want to lecture me on the current state of manhood, it wouldn’t be a whiny dweeb with a $5 haircut who probably couldn’t bench-press a copy of National Review. Tucker Carlson looks like someone you’d find deep in the woods at a drum circle, trying desperately to recover his lost manhood. He hasn’t been able to get laid for months, and even prostitutes pay him to go away.

If we’re to believe whatever it is that’s happening in the trailer, feminism is neutering men by keeping them from living their best testosterone-addled life. And the not-at-all homoerotic nature of the documentary’s trailer is only raising more questions.

These activities include: muscled men doing pushups, muscled naked men shooting at bottles of canola oil, muscled men milking cows without a bucket (buckets are for ladies and girly men — real men just squirt the milk directly on the ground and lick it up), muscled men rasslin' ... and then a naked man charging his dick at a power station? I guess? Unless he's tanning his testicles, which is apparently also a thing for Tucker. Then half-naked muscled men flip some big tires, cut down a tree, and take a bath outside at what I am like 90 percent sure is the same terrible spa they went to on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

Then there is a manly beared man standing outside at night gulping down a bunch of raw eggs, which I know from Rocky Horror is supposed to be a very manly thing to do, and after that I think it's another guy going into some kind of tanning situation.

According to Carlson, testosterone levels have been plunging among men. We’re left to believe this (or not), because at least in the trailer, he presents no evidence to support his claim. He may (or may not) be correct, but given the body of Carlson’s work, I’m not inclined to take any of his claims at face claim.

Show me the evidence. THEN we can talk.

Unless this is parody, which I have to assume it’s not, because Tucker Carlson lacks a functional sense of humor, I’ve been going about being a man all wrong.

My first question is where can I find one of those dick-charging stations? What guy wouldn’t want a piece of that, right?? That’s GOT to be the most ginormous self-gratification device I’ve EVER seen.

Perhaps this mockumentary documentary has more to do with Carlson’s massive sense of inadequacy. But, on the other hand, maybe this is really about his inner struggle with his need for ever-increasing doses of Viagra and Romanian dwarf porn to be able to do the horizontal mambo with his bride.

Maybe Carlson has grown tired of being the “before” picture in the Charles Atlas ads. You know, the ones where the scrawny kid gets sand kicked in his face and his girl wanders off with the bully to perform unspeakable acts upon his person?

Could it be that Carlson grew tired of the intimate relationship he’d developed with his right hand and resolved to have his revenge upon those who condemned him to a life of sexual frustration?

Or possibly this all has nothing to do with Carlson’s definition of being a man. Perhaps his documentary will clarify that being a man is really about being able to recite endless pages of Greek epic poetry as a means of seducing one’s love interest.

Then again, I have to think the dick-charging station will be WAY more important when it comes to getting a woman into the sack. Not that I’ve ever tried to seduce anyone with Greek poetry, but my experience has been somewhat different. Man, if only I’d had one of those dick-charging stations when I was younger….

And perhaps Tucker Carlson’s experience could be different- if he’d get a decent haircut, lose the bow tie, and stop being such an insufferable, whiny dweeb.

THIS JUST IN: Evidently, becoming Tucker Carlson’s version of a New Man doesn’t involve owning a dick-charging station. Man, just when I was getting excited about the possibilities….

The promo for the new season of Tucker Carlson Originals incurred a veritable tsunami of mockery online for its montage of mostly shirtless men firing guns, wrestling, doing push-ups, swinging axes — and one stark naked fellow who was standing in front of some sort of machine that projected a red light onto his crotch.

Mediaite can now confirm that, yes, Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson’s new special, “The End of Men,” does in fact promote “testicle tanning” as a way that men can raise testosterone levels….

And all this time I’d thought it was just the world’s largest self-gratification device.

Carlson…is highly concerned about what he refers to as the “total collapse of testosterone levels in American men,” and it seems this new program will cover some possible remedies. The machine pictured in the promo video is not a “penis charger” or a man copulating with an electric charger for a Tesla, as some Twitter users had joked, but apparently some sort of “red light therapy” that is intended to be directed upon the testicles.

A newly released clip from “The End of Men” featured Carlson interviewing a man in a black polo shirt identified as “Andrew McGovern, Fitness Professional” about the practice of sunbathing the southern regions.

Of course, if anyone has ever experienced a sunburn in “the southern regions,” they’ll tell how excruciating it can be. I’ll take their word for it.

“If you want to optimize and take it to another level,” McGovern said, “expose yourself to red light therapy–”

“Yes,” Carlson interjected, “which is testicle tanning.”

“It’s testicle tanning,” McGovern agreed, “but it’s also full body red light therapy, which has a massive amount of benefits. And there’s so much data out there, that isn’t being picked up on or covered.”

Testicle tanning? At the risk of sounding cynical, it sounds like so much modern-day snake oil. Frankly, it all sounded more appealing when I was thinking it was a dick-charging station.

I’d be interested to learn what sort of “data” Andrew McGovern is using to support his claim. If it “isn’t being picked up on or covered,” there might be a very good reason for that. Do we really think that if there was solid evidence behind McGovern’s machine and the claims he’s making that men wouldn’t be lining up to buy them? I’m guessing there’s little- or no- peer-reviewed such to back up McGovern’s claims.

After all, who wouldn’t want to stand naked on a mountaintop as their testicles are being tanned?

Well, me for one, but only because no one needs to see that much of me.

I can’t speak to whether or not testosterone levels are dropping among men, but even if they are, does that really represent a problem? There was a time when men had to hunt and kill buffalo, dress the carcass, and bring home the meat in order for their families to survive. That time has long since passed. Now the meat we hunt comes wrapped in plastic and can be found in our local meat department.

Does that make us less “manly?” Or does it mean that Penis-Americans have adapted to our new reality? Hell, I don’t know; I was a history major- but it seems as if Tucker Carlson is making much ado about nothing. Perhaps men really do need to spend more time copulating with something that looks like a charger for a Tesla. Or spend more time in the gym. Or conquer more women. Or all of the above.

Whatever the case may be, it seems as if Tucker Carlson is the poster boy for lower testosterone levels. It might be time for him to get his own house in order (get thee to a gym) before he begins whining about the state of Penis-Americans.

Why do I have an almost irresistable urge to kick sand in his face??