What part of "NO!" do y'all fail to understand? You don't need a bear.

Why "NO means YES, and YES means ANAL!" isn't nearly as funny as guys might think

It’s tempting to begin with a heartfelt and abject apology on behalf of the penis-bearing half of the human race to all women everywhere. Ladies, on behalf of men everywhere, please accept my sincere apologies. Jesus, but we can be raging, selfish, and inconsiderate assholes at times.

I’m also going to ask all penis-bearing humans one straightforward question:

WTF IS WRONG WITH ALL Y’ALL???

Seriously. I realize that thinking with the wrong head is a thing, but WTF??? Would you treat your mother or your sister so poorly? Of course, you wouldn’t. So why are you treating women you find physically attractive so poorly? Why can’t you be nice? Or, at the very least, respectful?

It was just another day, and someone created a hypothetical situation to pit one demographic against another on social media. In this case, it was men v. women. No great surprise there, eh? It certainly wasn’t the first time it had happened, and it won’t be the last—though the results may have been among the most resonant.

It all began with posing a pretty basic hypothetical question to women:

Would you rather be alone with a man or a bear in the woods?

Not being a woman, I can’t begin to put myself in their shoes. Still, the answers were nonetheless eye-opening, and for me, as a member of the Penis-American half of the population, quite distressing.

In one TikTok video, viewed more than 16.7 million times, an interviewer asks eight women on the street whether they’d rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear. Seven out of the eight answer, with very little hesitation, the latter.

There are innumerable variants of this video, with the question asked among groups of friends, to family members and partners and strangers on the street. When asked why they would pick the bear, women all give some iteration of the same answer: With a bear, they know what the dangers are. They know, at least in theory, how to survive the encounter.

The comments on the previously mentioned video make that painfully clear:

“You know what to expect from a bear.”

“Absolutely a bear humans are capable of so so much worse.”

“Bear, because If I got attacked by a bear people would believe me.”

Of course, this scenario has many unsolvable variables, and most women spend a lot more time in proximity to men than bears, so this is all highly hypothetical, but the responses are disturbing nonetheless.

It speaks to women's overall experience with men—more to the shabby way that some men believe they can treat women.

While there’s no unanimous answer, a good number of women on TikTok, Instagram and X have made it clear they’d prefer the bear. This has sparked anger among some men online, but more than that, it has snowballed into a valuable discussion about violence against women and how danger doesn’t always take the shape of a wild animal on the prowl.

- AJ Willingham

One has to wonder where things have gone so wrong and why so many women feel unable to trust men and their intentions.

More importantly, one has to wonder what it is that allows men to believe that they can plow straight through a woman saying “NO” in pursuit of getting their rocks off.

“The fact that women would even consider hypothetical man/bear questions means we have utterly failed to create a safe society,” one user wrote on X.

According to data from the United Nations, almost 89,000 women and girls were intentionally killed worldwide in 2022. UN data also shows that one in three women across the world have experienced intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence, categories that include domestic violence and rape.

That doesn’t include sexual harassment or other situations that can put a woman in fear of her life. The UN’s data claims a sizable majority of women parliamentarians and journalists have experienced psychological violence in the public sphere — a specific statistic, but one that shows how deep into a woman’s existence the threat of violence can go.

While doing some research for this newsletter, I came across a newsletter by

James Fell

that almost brought me to tears. Titled “What Happened After She Said No,” it recalls in the words of women what happened after they said no to sexual advances from men…and, guys, it doesn’t paint us in a flattering light. Not at all.

In the preface, Fells says

I wrote this on my old blog six years ago. I solicited short stories from women about what happened after they said no to include in the piece and was overwhelmed at the response. Below is just a sample, interspersed in my writing. It’s difficult shit to read. Contains all the bad things.

After reading it again, I was reluctant to republish it as is. But seeing as how so many men just DON’T FUCKING GET IT regarding this stuff about women choosing to meet a bear in the woods rather than a strange man, I decided to republish it here. I will repeat the content warnings of the horrible things men have done to women, told in their own voices.

The stories Fells relays are tough to read, but I think it’s essential that we read them in their entirety. We—and I’m talking to Penis-Americans in particular—need to understand that these women could easily be our wives, daughters, coworkers, and friends. Even if they weren’t, they’d still be people who we should treat with dignity and respect.

What they don’t deserve is to be treated as a means to an end—the end, of course, being the man having an orgasm.

“No.”

It’s a complete sentence, not the beginning of a negotiation process.

Merriam Webster: “used as a function word to express the negative.”

Was watching a movie with a friend. He tried to kiss me, I told him “No, we’re just friends.”  He started trying to push my sweater off while repeating, “Let me have you. Let me have you.” – H

Oxford: “used to give a negative response.”

I was eighteen, when my boyfriend raped me, while I was laying on my stomach, crying, being held down. He later said, he couldn’t hear a clear no. –K

It should be simple. When you hear “NO” in any conversation involving a request for sex, that should be the end of it. “NO” shouldn’t be followed by whining, pleading, or cajoling. You can go home and take care of business on your own if need be, but once you hear “NO,” any attempt at coercion ending in sexual contact may be considered rape or sexual assault.

“NO” should be the end of it. If a woman does not want to have sex, it’s her choice to make. She may not want to have sex, or she may not want to have sex with you. It doesn’t matter because the decision is hers to make.

Any sexual activity should be a mutually agreed-upon activity containing one essential word: CONSENT.

And perhaps the most telling for this piece is this definition on Urban Dictionary: “The word that makes sex rape.”

I was 17 years old, alone in a car with a guy I barely knew. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said no. He was military and much stronger than me. He stated groping me and made it clear I wasn’t getting away. I don’t remember my clothes coming off, but I remember him on top of me and the way I just went mentally numb and prayed for him to finish. –C

The problem with the word no is that it’s not equally applied. There is the male no, and there is also the female no, and they’re not even close to being treated the same….

In some circles, like a fraternity at Yale University, or a Texas Tech fraternity, they assert that, “No means yes, yes means anal.”

A boyfriend wouldn’t let me go to sleep until my “no” turned into a “fine, I’ll have sex with you.” That went on for months. –E

Men are taught to not take no for an answer. Women are taught to not give no as an answer. Throughout history, men were encouraged to lead, to take, to conquer. Women have been encouraged to be submissive, to give, to support.

When younger I said nothing. I didn’t know it was an option. –A

Because of this, when women do say no, men often don’t listen. And a man’s reaction to hearing no from a woman can be extreme.

I was in an abusive relationship several years ago. No is never a real option in that situation, just means a beating before the rape. –N

No. The word that turns “sex” into “rape.”

Think about that. It’s not rocket science. It’s about respect. It’s about respecting a woman’s decision regarding what she does with her body. It’s not a man’s job, duty, or responsibility to persuade her out of “NO.”

Maybe I’m fortunate. Or perhaps I’m lucky that my parents taught me to respect women, but I’ve never found it difficult to respect a woman’s decision to say “NO.” That’s not to say there haven’t been times when it’s been difficult to back off when things have gotten hot and heavy. There have been a few times when, out of the blue, I’ve heard “NO.”

It might not have seemed fair, and it certainly wasn’t easy, not when I was in the throes of thinking with the wrong head, but when I heard “NO,” I always understood what needed to happen next. It always seemed like a matter of basic respect.

The Los Angeles Times reported that a school shooter in Texas had been harassing a girl at school for months, not taking no for an answer, and specifically targeted her for rejecting him. It goes beyond his feelings of rejection; he used a gun to claim her for himself. He took her life like it was a trophy to ensure she would never belong to anyone else, including herself. That is the true horror of the crime he committed. He treated her like a commodity to be consumed.

Blackout drunk in college (pretty certain I was drugged), woke up to a guy assaulting me. Found out he’d done it six times while I was out of it. When I told him he’d raped me, he threatened to kill me if I told anybody. Lost my virginity that night. – J

When a woman says no to a man, he often takes it personally. If his masculinity is fragile, he cannot help but feel the need to defend it.

In the 15 years I have been in the dating pool, at least a hundred men have tried to either buy me a drink, hit on me, or directly ask me out. Upon politely declining and thanking them for their offer, not a SINGLE one has ever taken it graciously and simply walked away. Even split between badgering repeatedly to just give in and being called a bitch/whore/slut and ugly. –J

A football player in Knoxville shot and killed his ex-girlfriend while she slept after she broke up with him.

A man in Philadelphia snapped a woman’s neck for saying no to a marriage proposal.

WTeverlastingF is wrong with us? What is it about having a penis that makes men believe they have a right to DEMAND sex from a woman as if the act is transactional? Hey, I bought dinner, so the least you can do for me is give me a blowjob, right?

Women aren’t property, nor are they commodities, valuable only for their ability to sexually satisfy us. Nor are male-female relationships transactional—unless that’s what the people involved have negotiated, and both parties find that transactionality acceptable.

We don’t own women, nor do we have a right to their sexuality. A woman has the right to give that willingly (or not) to a person of their choosing, not have it taken from them by someone who feels they have a claim to it.

I said no to condom-less sex. He stood in front of the door and made it clear I wasn’t leaving until he got what he wanted. I said no to giving him a blow job. He pulled his penis out and pressed it against my lips until I opened my mouth. I said no to sex after an argument. He said I owed it to him for being such a bitch earlier. I gave in. I turned down a drink at a bar. He grabbed my crotch and called me a slut. I said no to a hug. He slapped me. These are five different men. –N

How often do we hear stories of men murdering women because they said no? A site called When Women Refuse has more stories than any decent person could possibly stomach. Or, just google “man kills woman for saying no.”

Propositioned by a “friend” at a house party. I said no. He punched me in the face and threw champagne in my eyes … He’s now a police officer. –J

The idea that a woman could encounter at least a hundred men and not a single one of them could take rejection graciously sickens me. Since when does anyone have a right to believe themselves to be God’s gift to women? And since when does a woman not have the right to say yes or no when asked a question?

Yes, I’m beginning to understand why a woman might prefer to meet a bear in the woods than a man she doesn’t know—and frankly, that pisses me off. I’m not angry at the woman, to be sure, but at the men who’ve combined to make women feel unsafe in their presence. It reflects a lack of maturity and respect for women's personal space and dignity—and there’s no reason for it.

Again, what if the woman in question were your sister, wife, or mother? Indeed, you wouldn’t treat them so poorly, would you? Then why would you treat another woman with such disrespect? Because you’ve got a boner that you don’t know what to do with? Grow the fuck up, man; you have a right hand. You can deal with that yourself if circumstances dictate.

Come on, guys; we’re not animals. We weren’t raised in the woods or a barnyard. Most of us had parents who taught us to respect women—isn’t it time we started doing that?

If a woman says “NO,” that should be it. No wheedling, no whining about your erection, and no belittling the woman for “leading you on.” It’s her call and her decision to make. If she says “NO,” that’s all that matters.

If you can’t respect that, you should stay home and reacquaint yourself with your right hand—or your left, as the case may be.

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