When you're the Chosen One, you can grab and fondle anyone's wiener
I can't believe I just wrote that headline....
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy: A New Edition
Something reduces the speed of the world and that something is stupidity! Stupidity is a boring friction!
Mehmet Murat ildan
It can’t be easier going through life being Holier Than Thou. ‘Course, the upside would be having easier access to the Almighty and an enhanced ability to seek Divine Counsel when you’re a married guy caught trying to fiddle with another guy’s wiener, as evidently happened to Matt Schlapp.
Who knows? Maybe Mercedes Schlapp doesn’t fiddle with her husband’s wiener enough. That’s far more than I care to know about Mr. and Mrs. Holier Than Thou’s marriage. Who’s fiddling with whose wiener is a subject entirely off my radar, and for good reason.
Despite what Conservatives would have us think, they’re every bit as prone to weird and unusual sexual behavior as anyone else. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. As long as both parties consent, it shouldn’t matter if sabers and revolving self-lubricating butt plugs are involved.
It’s just that Conservatives tend to be pretty uptight about exchanging bodily fluids in anything but the missionary position for purposes of procreation. Not that this stops the weirdness; they just feel guilty about it.
So, perhaps Matt Schlapp was trying to fiddle with a campaign aide’s wiener. Or maybe not. Who cares…except for uptight Conservatives? But, since Schlapp is the head of CPAC and the American Conservative Union, appearances must be maintained.
No wiener for you, Matt!!
[W]e had an update on the trials and tribulations of Matt Schlapp of CPAC and the American Conservative Union, about whom there are more allegations that he likes to try to touch guy weeners when his Christian wife Mercy isn’t looking.
Yes, on top of the lawsuit from the former Herschel Walker staffer. Trouble over there in CPAC world!
Yawn. Who cares about Christian sexual peccadilloes? The fun part is the hypocrisy they engage in to cover up the fun. That’s when the good times roll.
Laissez les bon temps rouler!!
Of course, any sexual accusations laid against a good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian heterosexual cisgender patriot means that a good defense must be found. And, as anyone who’s ever been an athlete knows, the best defense is often a good offense.
For some bizarre reason, both Matt and Mercedes Schlapp have decided that The Daily Beast is responsible for the accusations being thrown at them. This, of course, puts The Daily Beast in league with Satan.
Because, of course, it does.
And we mentioned in passing that ever since this began, the Schlapps, both of them, have had this bizarre predilection for blaming this all on the Daily Beast, acting as if the publication solely exists to concoct conspiracies to take them down. Unhinged? Well yeah. Hilariously self-important? LOL sure, Matt, you and Mrs. Batshit are definitely worth all that trouble. Bet!
Lord, it doesn’t even make sense. Especially since different news outlets are corroborating accusations with accusers and whatnot, none of who have anything to do with the Daily Beast.
And when these new accusations came out, the news came out in the Washington Post. The Daily Beast confirmed them on their own, like journalists do.
But still, when the spox for the ACU and CPAC responded to the latest story, they still blamed the Daily Beast, like people who aren’t crazy:
In a 362-word statement, ACU and CPAC spokesperson Alexandra Preate falsely claimed that The Daily Beast was “on a partisan mission” with Huffman and his lawyer to “destroy ACU/CPAC, one of the most effective and respected conservative organizations in the country, and its leader Matt Schlapp.”
Not that the Schlapps or Ms. Preate have any evidence or reason to accuse The Daily Beast of being “on a partisan mission” to destroy Matt Schlapp and everything he holds dear and holy.
So, is The Daily Beast just a “Big Gay Satan?” Or is it a Liberal rag looking to make a name for itself by taking down one of America’s holiest and most respected Conservatives?
If you ask Mr. And Mrs. Holier Than Thou, both can be true simultaneously.
Hey, if you can’t make accusations go away on their merits, attack the credibility of the source, no?
It’s almost literally Josef Goebbels 101.
And then there was this:
Of course, I’m not Catholic, so I can’t and won’t speak to the religious significance of this other than to remark on the patently obvious hypocrisy.
This isn’t about Satan coming after Matt Schlapp; this is about a lawsuit alleging that Schlapp has an unwelcome propensity for trying to fiddle with other men’s wieners. That would seem to be a problem for a prominent Conservative on several levels. If he were found culpable or even had to settle out of court, the damage to his career- the Conservative empire he’s created- would be incalculable.
Conservatives tend to be unforgiving of moral failures…unless they’ve committed them. Then they ask for forgiveness with everything they’re worth. If Matt Schlapp was found to have been forcing himself upon men and trying to fiddle with their wieners, both he and Mrs. Holier Than Though could lose their gravy train. They’d undoubtedly lose whatever moral authority they might have.
Our research says Michael the Archangel is patron saint of doctors, grocers, soldiers, police, and bankers. (Is that the five Village People? Wait no.)
Says nothing about conservative “family values” type political operatives who are being sued by a conservative male political staffer for “grabbed my junk and pummeled it at length.”
But hey, maybe.
These people are fucking psychos, man.
Indeed. Truer words have seldom been spoken. And it’s not like Matt Schlapp is the only Conservative ever to live in the shadows even as he inveighs against such behavior in public forums.
How often have virulent homophobes been exposed for engaging in homosexual behavior?
There’s nothing wrong with these behaviors, of course, if they occur between consenting adults. Sexuality and sexual activities can and do exist on a weird and wonderful spectrum. But you don’t get to weigh in against homosexuality six days a week while you have serial anal sex with a Division III football team while suspended by your nipples on Saturday nights.
It’s not the activities or not being able to walk comfortably for 48 hours afterward. It’s the hypocrisy you engage in by condemning those who engage in similar behavior because you have a financial stake in living a lie.
That should win you an E-ticket on the roller coaster to Hell, knowhutimean??
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Master Schlapper looks like he's two-stepping with a butt-plug that's sized and shaped like the horn from an adult male Cape Buffalo.